How to get Garrett Bischoff as a Face (the TNA challenge)

THE OBVIOUS HEEL
Garrett Bischoff is the son of legendarily hated WCW promoter / backstager Eric Bischoff. It’s a tough uphill battle to make Garrett a face even when he takes on his villain father and gets pushed as a prime guy for TNA wrestling. TNA has tried for months to put him over as a face on their Impact wrestling show, when a safer bet would have made him a shmuck goon of his evil father (like Shane McMahon) until the fans want him to turn face. Or even as a face Gunner could have injured him where he could train at TNA’s developmental territory OVW. Then he could return after his ‘injury’ with experience. There is a good upside to Garrett, a lot better than David Flair, Shane McMahon or some others that we’ve seen over the decade.

TNA WANTS THE CHALLENGE
Instead, TNA has decided to challenge themselves by making him a face. TNA was given a great story opportunity with Garrett being the real life son of Eric, but Garrett himself isn’t ready. He started as a referee for a year and then after that with zero ring experience he is now a wrestler. He has a good look that is scarred with the Bischoff name tattooed on his pec. TNA has paired him up with some of the biggest names in the company. Hulk Hogan, Rob Van Damn, AJ Styles and the MotorCity Machine Guns. He’s seems to be their vague leader, when it should be the veterans that came before him letting him be with him.

THE PROTECTOR
My idea to get him over is to  pair him with a frail and likable woman. None of the Knockouts on the roster really fit the mold, but find some chick that isn’t TNA’s inflated implant stereotype, get the most normal looking short, happy girl that they can find. Have her with Garrett…. no no not for the eye candy, not for the dating purposes, but just have her come to the ring with him for weeks on end and pep up the crowd. Then at a PPV against Gunner, Gunner can punch her right in the face. Why? Because he’s sadistic. That will upset the fans because of who her style and look is. She’s normal, you don’t do that to normal people that can’t defend themselves. Her happiness is taken away from the fans. Her average joy is no longer at the arena…. and only one man will get revenge and that’s Garrett Bischoff. Once Garrett vanquishes Gunner and the man that hired him to punch a woman Garrett will get over, because he brought the woman back and she’s why he’s there. She the non Knockout.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/26/12)

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT PREMISE (still a terrible idea)
So last week Hulk Hogan announced Open Fight Night that will happen once a month where anyone can challenge anyone and they need to fight. Fight? I swore they wrestle and open challenge? I swore that’s what they do every week. Another gimmick of this is that some non TNA worker gets a shot in front of three judges. This is called Gut Check and there are three judges. This is a bad idea, because it puts a spice of reality in an unreal world.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ CHAMPS
First of all this backstage segment looks like its shot with tunnel vision. It also makes your champions look like crap because its 1 man as the center of attention and that 1 man isn’t a champion. Hogan baits people into thinking its Roode, but then says its Joe & Magnus. Then gives ideas as to who it will be… but confirms nothing.

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT OPENING
New Opening for Open Fight Night. Good intro, looks different than most wrestling companies. Looks very MMA. The arena even looks

TV TITLE MATCH >>DEVONvs BUBBA (BULLY RAY) (too good for the TV title)
I swore TNA can’t call him Bubba. Anyway,Devoncalls out Bubba. This isn’t a good idea and they need to stay apart. Bully Ray is backstage with the TNA crew. It looks like the locker room is now a box with posters and wrestlers. A simple box. This looks unique and silly at the same time. Bully Ray deniesDevon’s challenge. Funny I thought they needed to accept challenges.Devongets him and there’s a brawl. Ring bell starts before both men are in the ring. That’s like a football game starting before anyone is on the field.

Not sure I like a main eventer going for a low end title. At least it gives Bully Ray a fresh match. Decent match, but they both could do better.

KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE w/ KURT ANGLE (quick and painless)
KAZ & Daniels wearing Impact Wrestling T-shirts and Angle hints at a face turn. This was kept less than a minute. It’s all good… except for Kurt turning face again. He’ll be a heel again before the end of the year. 

JEREMY BORRASH CALLS OUT… (an exercise in what not to do)
Open Fight Night isn’t just for the wrestlers… Jeremy Borash calls out Eric Bischoff. Good idea. TNA has peaked my interest more with this than months of Eric vs Garrett. Borrash in a suit makes a challenge like a news caster with lots of … gravitas.

Bischoff comes out and distracts so Bully Ray can low blow him. Gunner should have done this, but whatever. Christie Hemme has the most hilariously bad and your winner is….

TNA SPRING CLEANING SALE
I like these commercials that actually sell merchandise. Instead of the old knockout commercials.

MEXICAN AMERICA OPEN CHALLENGE (kept quick)
Backstage Mr. Anderson is interviewed and you can hear Mexican America’s music. When Mexican America is shown, they cut to backstage eventually with TNA’s roster looking around. Kurt Angle accepts, making him a face. Yep.

KURT ANGLE vs ANARCHYA (quick & painless)
I predict Angle. He shouldn’t sell at all and should just instantly take out Anarchya. Then take out Hernandez. Badabing. Match is over in around 15 seconds.

ALEX SYLVIA’S STORY (good story)
Good story tied to his father. Al Snow interview, clips from Alex’s matches, he captured the OVW TV championship. Al Snow brings Alex to the ring. Alex has a good look, but not a main event look. Al kisses ass, which is a good thing. From his look alone would fit him into the X-Division.

GUT CHECK >> ALEX SYLVIA vs ROBBIE E (should have been X-Division)
I saw this coming. Robbie E is the bottom of the barrel and if this was last year Robbie E would be on Gut Check. Al Snow on guest commentary, I hope it’s not as terrible as he used to be on Sunday Night Heat. Baba-ga-noosh.

The size difference between Robbie E and Alex is noticeable. They should have had an X-Division guy out there, especially since TNA doesn’t have any X-Division matches for the past month or so. This was a meh match and I think that I saw more winded in Alex than fire. Take a pass. He’s not ready and he should have been in the X-Division.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ TAG TEAMS (Daniels makes lemonade)
KAZ & Daniels, Eric & ODB, MotorCity Machine Guns, Jeff Hardy & Mr. Anderson. Hogan asks for reasons why the teams should get a tag title shot. Christopher Daniels has great reasons that laugh at the other teams. MotorCity Machine Guns have a good reason, just not as good as Daniels & KAZ. To be honest, Hogan should have brought out the teams and just had the audience vote. No Mexican America, no Robbie E & Rob Terry, no CrimMorgan… not that they’re a team.

BROOKE TESSMOCHER CHALLENGES GAIN KIM (Brooke is the best Knockout promo)
Surprisingly she cuts the best promo out of any woman. He’s not yelling bitch, she’s not screaming, she’s not obnoxious.

GAIL KIM vs BROOKE TESSMACHER (slow and plodding)
Brooke got the pin last week in the 8 woman tag. The crowd was into this match at some points, but pretty silent at others. Maybe they were paying attention. This felt slow with a lot of Brooke selling. Gail Kim does trash talking in the match. I see Gail Kim losing here and yep. So I guess this isn’t for the Knockout’s title? Whatever. Gail will win when it counts.

RVD VIDEO GOING TO SACRIFICE (meh)
It’s nice, it shows him training. It doesn’t make me want to see Robert Roode vs RVD.

AL SNOW & ALEX SYLVIA BACKSTAGE interrupted by ROBERT ROODE
He cuts down the young talent. This Alex Sylvia is the next Crimson. Maybe TNA didn’t let him shine, but he was pretty forgettable.

JOSEPH PARK with JOSEPH PARK
Bully Ray knows who he is. Wow. Joseph is huge. He’s awesome especially now that its going somewhere. Wow Bully Ray has a new shirt. Joseph Park shows a small laugh that makes me think Abyss.

WHO GETS THE TAG TITLE SHOT? (fans should have chosen)
It’s all down to KAZ & Daniels or Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. I would rather KAZ & Daniels win… but not go over Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. Hogan should just make them have a match to see who gets a title shot that night immediately following the match. Then you can job out the winners to the tag champs and make a match at the PPV.

TAG TITLES >> SAMOA JOE & BRUTIS MAGNUS vs MR. ANDERSON & JEFF HARDY
Wow four guys that don’t seem to be tag wrestlers thrown into tag teams. A few minutes in there is a commercial break. There’s been a few of these in the matches. This match was good at showing off Magnus & Joe. After the match KAZ & Daniels attack Joe & Magnus. I see a pay-per-view match.

ERIC BISCHOFF FAREWELL CERIMONY
All throughout Open Fight Night, they’ve been showing backstage interviews with workers asking them about Eric Bischoff. Flair comes out with Gunner, KAZ, Daniels and Bully Ray. Wow Bully Ray was all over this show. Maybe even too much. KAZ & Daniels were all over this show too, just in the last segment. I don’t think they should be out for this segment since they just ran out.

Flair does a speech. The fans sing Goodbye. Eric Bischoff comes out and sits down in his throne. I really thing their setup should have been done on the stage… because no one is facing the crowd. There’s some mongloid in the crowd wearing a hat that makes me laugh. Flair’s speech was pretty dull. The crowd was bored so they chanted. Gunner thanks Eric. Bully Ray gives Eric a retirement watch and says he’s the wind beneath his wings.

This gets interrupted by Garrett with Jeremy Borash, AJ, RVD, MotorCity Machine Guns. Jeremy Borash says Eric will be inducted into the shed of shame. I like how Eric Bischoff leaves a company and he gets thrown away. The heels rush the faces but all the heels just breeze by Garrett…. So he can headlock and drag his dad into the shed of shame and lock it. The shed of shame is a porta-potty and then it’s tipped over. Apparently there’s stuff in it. Bischoff comes out covered in yucky.

Show ends. Barely any Roode. What?

Shane Douglas starting an Extreme Reunion Company and here’s how to do it

So Shane Douglas does these ECW reunion shows every year or every so often. The ECW reunion shows have been done too much. Now he wants to start an entire wrestling company based off of the old ECW. nostalgia can’t drive a company forward so much as wait for its legs to crumble out from underneath it.

I came up with a simple idea that might pass the torch to a new generation of extreme. Take your former ECW stars like Raven, Sandman, New Jack and Terry Funk and use them as associates of new guys. Raven gets a pair of goth wrestlers, Sandman gets a pair of average joe / drunks / blue collars, New Jack gets a pair of muscled up black thugs and Terry Funk gets a pair of hardcore cowboys. Raven is used to having a flock of underlings, Terry Funk is your inspirational leader, Sandman is your bad influence and New Jack is the man who just wants money and uses his new guys to get it.

There are your 4 ECW names and 8 young guys to get associated with them instead of throwing out guys with no sort of association. People need the association or else it will be a nostalgia promotion or WWE’s version of ECW with fresh talent that doesn’t feel like classic ECW. If those four guys aren’t the guys to ‘coach’ others, then go for Stevie Richards that is now a leader and hates Raven or he becomes the new Raven abusing his clueless pair of putz underlings.

The four original ECW workers on top can still have their top end feuds and 6 man tags, but they can give the rub to the new guys that will carry the company past the first three months. Then in a year once the underlings have gotten a foothold they can break away from their leaders while still carrying their leader’s gimmick.

There can be the new hardcore guys that resent not being good enough to be associated with the legendary ECW roster and take it out on the originals.

Personally I’d call the company Extreme Evolution Wrestling. Oh and make sure to take plenty of shots at TNA and WWE.

An idea to make TNA’s Kurt Angle into a killer

It is funny, there are rumors that people run into Kurt Angle at airports and think he dropped out of wrestling just because he’s not with the WWE anymore. Anyway, Kurt Angle is in TNA and he seems like just another guy on the roster.

Kurt is a former Olympic gold medalist and the rumor was that he was going to try out for this year’s Olympics. Because he’s an Olympian, he probably has enough wrestling talent past his prime to put everyone else to shame. So what I think is to make Kurt a killer. Kurt’s gonna kill you style. Each week have him wrestle 3 local jobbers all at once in a 2 minute match. I bet Kurt could dazzle and entertain us with how well he wrestles. He doesn’t have to do an Olympic Slam or an ankle lock for the victory. He should do anything for the victory. I’m talking arm bars, three-quarter nelson pins and even a simple headlock crank for a submission victory. Anything he does could cause a victory showing he’s dangerous and legit. The three jobbers should get nothing in and his victories need to be quick, effective and dynamic from week to week.

Then after the ‘exhibition’ have him do his storyline for that week. Have his opponents for the pay-per-views watch him at ringside but not do commentary. Have promos, have run ins after Kurt wins. Kurt could have sitdown interviews hyping his next pay-per-view match instead of promos. He could be shown training in the gym along with his diet regiment. The crazy things he does to stay at his peak physical condition.

His opponents could have vignettes training counters to even the most basic of holds that Kurt makes deadly. Interviews with training coaches saying they’ve seen a weakness in Kurt’s game. Perhaps have Kurt’s training partners go turncoat and blab secrets to Kurt’s next pay-per-view opponent. Don’t do it cheesy and over the top like TNA does, treat it more real and serious that Kurt’s training partner left, a guy that knows Kurt’s weaknesses, secrets and injuries.

Outside the ring out on the town, Kurt should wear suits even in Orlando. He could be seen as a big deal instead of a guy that wears jeans and his own merchandise. If TNA wants to sell his merchandise, they could have some ring models wearing his new shirts.

A way to get John Cena over as a face and get him cheered

Most wrestling fans want WWE’s John Cena to turn heel…. so he can get cheered. Since he’s face, he gets a lot of boos. Figure that one out. Anyway, John Cena has been a staple of the WWE for 10 years and barely taken off any time in those 10 years. He has his typical 5 moves that any WWE wrestler has. They are all very safe moves that will never injure anyone. When Cena talks, it is all just bad cheesy jokes. Maybe that’s him. He is kept a face either because he wants to or the WWE sells so much merchandise with him as a face that they wouldn’t sell the same amount with him as a heel. So I have come up with an idea to keep him face and get him cheered.

Cena is the biggest heel, so having him challenge bigger heels will not cut it. Fans have seen his feats of strength so many times that they are taken for grantid. Fans have seen him and his moves so often that they have no effect anymore. So I say GM John Laurenitus comes out and punishes John Cena. If John uses any of his ‘5 moves of doom,’ the 5 knuckle shuffle, the throwback, the FU, the STFU or the top rope leg drop, he will be suspended one month. John is in control of his own destiny and if John is the top wrestler, he will still be able to beat opponents using new moves. Well Cena forgets and delivers a big FU to some giant opponent getting him disqualified and suspended for a month. It is unjust and unfair.

In that month, WWE cameras follow John Cena in the gym as he trains with some of the WWE legends. These are good for comedy and comedy is good for entertaining people and when they are entertained they forget. Show him training, learning new moves in comedy vignettes for 4 weeks. I said comedy vignettes…. but not over the top comedy, something humorous can happen in all 4 vignettes without being the usual WWE craziness.

When Cena comes back, he unleashes a new finisher each week, powerful, effective finishers. Lesnar him. Fans love a killer. Cena can be a killer. Don’t have him talk…. do a less is more with him. Not having him talk will cut out his cheesy and goofy natural self. In fact, the general manager John Laurenitus can tell the crew not to let him talk or not to give Cena a microphone.

Another problem with Cena is that he wears his own merchandise which is great for selling it, but he has a giant muscular body, so he needs a shirt the size of a tent. He looks goofy coming out with a shirt the size of a tent. General Manager John Laurenitus can tell Cena he’s not to wear his merchandise anymore to the ring. In fact he never wants to see a John Cena shirt again. A heel not wanting it worn might actually sell more of it.

We know Cena has the chain gang…. but he doesn’t have to be the one to talk about it. The corporate tool announcers can be the ones to talk about how he’s got a chain gang of fans with him. Don’t even have Cena mention the Cenation or the chain gang, that’s what the commentators are for. Kind of like Cena is too cool for the fanfare.

See you don’t need to make him heel to get him over…. just take away negatives.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/19/12)

LOCKDOWN RECAP
Dumb luck gives Robert Roode the victory at Lockdown. If anyone was pushed for that title it was James Storm. Dumb luck and cheating seems to give Robert Roode victories. That’s not a strong champion. He doesn’t need to cheat or have dumb luck each and every time. Since Roode has kept the title 6 months now he deserves to keep it. Without it, he’ll lose a lot of steam down to zero.

At least TNA didn’t recap the whole pay-per-view at once like they usually do. Their ratings might get better if they divvy out the info over the show.

ROODE OPENING PROMO (terrible promos all around)
Another month, another Roode promo to kick off Impact and it is a good time for him to open the show unlike other months. Anyway, he has a new haircut. TNA could have made this into an angle. Storm wants a title shot, Roode refuses… Hogan says there will be a rematch, and it won’t be for the title, but the loser will have his pony tail cut off. That is just me throwing out an idea. Wow does Bobby Roode look like an accountant and not a wrestler. He lost a uniqueness to him, but whatever, maybe he has movie roles coming up that TNA won’t mention. After all Jeff Jarrett will be in a Wizard of Oz movie coming up with some famous people in it.

Robert Roode just drones on and on, leading me to type about other things because I’m so boring. Anyway, the point of Robert Roode’s promo is that there is no one left for him to beat. So enter Mr. Anderson and his messed up hairstyle.

One terrible promo style replaced with another terrible promo style. I’d really like TNA to let Mr. Anderson go. TNA already has Matt Morgan, they don’t need him. Enter Jeff Hardy limping and wearing more makeup than a mime. LogicallyAndersonbeat Hardy a few weeks ago and won via DQ against Roode.  Logically Mr. Anderson should get the shot, but they should have a match withAndersongoing over.

Hulk Hogan appears over the big screen. He announces a match.Andersonvs Hardy for the #1 contender, please let it be Hardy.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (selling merchandise)
I like these commercials as I always point out. They actually sell things.

CRIMSON & BULLY RAY vs AUSTINARIES & MATT MORGAN (gently putting me to sleep)
I’m happy for this match. It mixes things up when normally the main eventers are in a tag match. Plus it hides Crimson and Morgan. I like the fact the heel Crimson wears black and the face Morgan wears white. Morgan does most of the selling, which is appropriate, you want the colder guy selling and the hotter guy to get the hot tag. I also laugh at the fact Bully Ray as a singles wrestler is put into tag matches week after week. Funny I just saw Morgan tap out to a heel hook. Didn’t count though.

Aries gets the hot tag and looks great, main eventer, new superstar great. Bully and Aries touch a bit toward the end. I don’t think it does anything to help their feud, but there are a few more weeks until the next pay-per-view.

GARRETT BISCHOFF w/ ANDERSON/ AJ STYLEZ / RVD
Wow… the young guy is the captain of his team. Shouldn’t AJ and everyone else just taken the spotlight and said hey Garrett we believe you should be here, so we’re gonna win this for you. But then that would get the Garrett stench on them. Garrett thanks them for their help. Bad to haveAnderson just out there when he’s in your main event. Bad to have RVD out there when he’s still new…. No he’s not new and fresh thanks to this. It’s like he never left and that’s not a good thing. Garrett should have been out there by himself or maybe with AJ.

Flair appears and elevates the segment. TNA now has to bleep the name Eric Bischoff. Lovely. Flair will hold a tribute party for Eric next week.

KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE (stupid angle)
KAZ has his head shaved now. Stupid. Really stupid. He’s a gorgeous man with awesome hair. They will reveal their secret on AJ tonight… oh and next is AJ vs Angle. This totally kills any heat for the match.

ANGLE vs AJ STYLEZ
This was the backdrop for an angle. Three minute match and AJ is given a piece of paper from Christopher Daniels. AJ, Daniels and KAZ are all stuck in the mud so Robert Roode and James Storm can get pushed.

JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE w/ GUNNER
Gunner sends Joseph Park to Bully Ray. We’ll see it next week I’m sure.

HULK HOGAN & RVD BACKSTAGE
Hogan announces RVD will be in the main event making it a 3 way for the #1 contendership.

HULK HOGAN EXPLAINS to ALL TNA CHAMPS (a terrible idea)
Hogan announces Open Fight Night once a month where a new guy not with TNA gets a match that will be judged by 3 guys. A fake reality show… Yep all on one show.  Then on that same show, any of the champs can get called out at any time and they need to be ready to defend their title. I thought this already existed, now we need a name for it? Hulk says that the TV championship will be defended once a week. I feel like now I need to only watch TNA once a month. This is like saying a band will only play the hits on this night and maybe not other times. What really sucks is one championship will be on the line… out of the six titles there are.

GAIL & RAYNE & SARITA & ROSITA vs SKYE, MICKIE, TARA, TESSMOCHER (typical 10 minute every knockout match)
Brooke is back from OVW. Let’s see what she learned… when stuck in an 8 woman shmozz. Brooke and Tara do the heatless lesbian kiss. Mickie looks terrible and Velvet’s hair is flat. Makes me think TNA fired their cosmetologist.

Rosita really needs to get a high flying style or go face and start selling for heels. It works wonders for AJ Lee on WWE. Rosita and Sarita need to look more like a tag team. Sarita is amazing at what she does. Eventually it devolves into a giant brawl. The ref sees cheating, but goes with it. Shocking finish that will lead into that Open Fight Night next week I’m sure.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB HONEYMOON (yawn)
Two people lying down at the poolside. Now Eric Young is the jealous one. Lovely. He strips down to his underwear as always. ODB then ices down his package. Yep. Thankfully this was short.

TV TITLE >> DEVONvs GUNNER (the start of something good)
Good, TV title should be defended on television. Hogan said earlier that the TV title will now be defended each week. This isDevon’s first TV title defense on TV. Hopefully this can be a staple of 10 – 15 minutes of good wrestling a week. That’s what I wanted with AJ holding the title.Devon can train up some younger guys. There are dueling chants forDevon and Gunner. The match lasts less than 5 minutes. Good for the winner.

JAMES STORM PROMO
I think Storm needed a win and a promo to rebound from one of TNA’s most high profile losses. Good promo about what losing means. His loss means something…. But I’m afraid Robert Roode’s win doesn’t mean anything.

RVD vs MR.ANDERSONvs JEFF HARDY
Oh if only it was RVD vs Jeff Hardy. The dream match that happened 10 years ago. It is funny that I never want to see another match between Hardy and Anderson or Anderson and RVD. At least Mr. Anderson doesn’t look like he has the flu like he did last week or the week before.  The match didn’t last long. There was a winner. Yep.

Mailbag April 2012

Shockingly, I get a lot of emailed questions about pro wrestling. Here are some questions that actually need answering.

WILL THE WWE HAVE A DEVELOPMENTAL TERRITORY IN EUROPE?
No, but it should, because the European style is nice for the WWE to have. Finley, William Regal and Wade Barrett are all fine examples of why WWE needs a European territory or at least a UK territory. It would be more cost efficient to workers wanting to get their foot in the door. WWE really needs to throw out a line to other English speaking countries like England and Canada.

WHY DOESN’T CM PUNK LOSE MATCHES?
He’s a guy that the WWE doesn’t want to turn into a chump. He has lost plenty of times in recent months… just like everyone else. They have done a lot of cheap and non finishes with him and Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry though.

WHY DOES AJ STYLEZ WEAR GLOVES?
I have no idea. I will guess it is because he does springboard stuff with the ropes and he probably doesn’t want to slip from the oil and sweat that collects on the ropes after guys are out there. AJ also has the best planned slip up we’ve ever seen.

IS STING BORED IN TNA?
You tell me, he goes out and becomes the main focus of television even if he’s not in the ring. Sting is in the twilight of his career and he probably had more fun in WCW, but working for TNA pays the bills and he probably has to work limited dates like 20 a year. So money > boredom.

WHY IS GARRETT BISCHOFF PUSHED IN TNA?
TNA is given a great genetic story. Eric Bischoff and his son Garrett. This guy will always be in wrestling, he’s the son of the legendary Eric Bischoff. At least Garrett looks closer to a wrestler than Shane McMahon. I’m no fan of Garrett, but there is a story there to be told. I just wish that TNA could tell it better. Maybe have Garrett as a heel goon of his father until the fans want to see him rise against his dad. I also reccommend Garrett to go off and wrestle for OVW, get some experience then come back and blow us all away.

ARE THERE BACKSTAGE PROBLEMS AT TNA?
I sure hope so. Guys like AJ Stylez should be main eventing and he gets oppressed with stupid storylines only to put over Roode and Storm. TNA just had a shakeup creatively that seems to be good 70% of the time. Hogan is back, because TNA fears their slipping ratings. TNA shouldn’t fear slipping ratings instead build things that people want to see. Like Hogan will not save the company. No one will save the company so much as getting the ball rolling and gaining momentum where word spreads about how good it is getting instead of how meh it is and will always be. There are also tons of other minor issues.

WHERE IS TNA GOING WITH JOSEPH PARK?
Funny thing is, I think he’ll go on to take on Immortal and Bully Ray. Sure Immortal doesn’t really exist anymore and it seems to consist only of Gunner, Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair. How about a promo between Flair and Joseph Park. Maybe the story will be that Immortal kicked Abyss’s ass so bad that he became his own brother. I do know one thing…. WWE missed the boat when Kane disappeared. … have you seen my brother Glenn?

WHY DOES TNA HAVE SUCH A WEAK ROSTER?
Funny… I wouldn’t consider it weak such as a big dog that’s kept inside in a basement that you see out when it needs to take a … something. TNA needs to let its roster off the chain again and let them wrestle at least on pay-per-views. TNA has meaningless pay-per-views, but if they let their talent wrestle longer and better matches, that will make it worth the price to those who buy them.

WHAT ARE YOUR IDEAS FOR THE WWE DIVA’S TITLE?
Uh really it is a cheerleader halftime show that just happens to have a champion. They don’t really need female wrestlers. Beth is fine with the title, I’m sure the WWE is building to a Kharma vs Beth match one Kharma returns. She might never return. Kelly Kelly actually made for a better champion, just because she was on every show even if she can’t wrestle like Beth or Natalya or Melina for that matter. WWE doesn’t need to put any heat on that belt… even if the fans say they do.

WHO WAS ERIC YOUNG & ODB’S WEDDING PLANNER?
I get asked this a lot. No clue, but she’s probably a local model. Maybe she’s married to one of the guys.

IS TEDDY HART INSANE?
He sure comes off that way yes. He just thinks very outside the box. He comes off gay in other interviews, but hey that’s just the sound of it. He had a HBO interviewer stay with him one night. He said it himself.

WHEN DO YOU THINK WE WILL SEE ROBERT ROODE vs DIXIE CARTER?
I like how fans still call him Robert Roode. Oh we’ll never see it, but I swear they’re building to it.

WHAT ARE YOUR IDEAS FOR SOME UNIQUE MATCH STIPULATIONS?
I’m not sure. I think everything has been done. How about a cage match with a scaffold ontop of it with a ladder ontop of that?

WHY DOES KANE HAVE HIS MASK BACK?
That was never explained and probably will never be explained. WWE just wanted to freshen him up by taking him back to the mask days. Personally…. I would have explained it that the wrestler HHH took the mask off…. but the wrestler HHH is dead and gone, there’s just some stuffed suit in his place and he challenges anyone else to take off his mask.

WHO IS THE FAT MINI WRESTLER ON HULK HOGAN’S MICRO CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING?
Meatball. Seems like a good worker too.

WHERE CAN I FIND VELVET SKYE’S BLOG
No idea. She’s probably on Twitter.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/12/12)

ERIC BISCHOFF OPENS IMPACT (Team Eric is revealed)
The fans are firmly against Eric Bischoff and he loves it and they love it too. He welcomes his team which consists of Bully Ray, Gunner, KAZ & Christopher Daniels. Good team, but I thought Bully Ray was busy for Lock Down. Bully Ray cuts a promo and laughs at Garrett. I’ve pointed it out before and I’ll point it out again, this is like Poochie the Dog on the Simpsons… where if Poochie isn’t on screen, everyone should be talking about him, just like Garrett. The crowd wants AJ. We want AJ. Push AJ please, stop oppressing him to push James Storm, AJ can make TNA money.

Garrett appears, complete with his logo behind him that reads… Garrett… Bischoff… Garrett Bischoff. Wow. He announces Mr. Anderson is on his team.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (effective at selling merch)
TNA actually decided to sell some merchandise with this commercial. I’m happy. The voice even kind of sounded like Don West. Kind of…

BEST OF THREE SERIES >>ANDERSONvs GUNNER (andAnderson’s no lose contract)
There is some best of three series to announce who has the one man advantage at Lockdown. I’m happy this 8 man match involves guys who aren’t main eventers. It gives your midcarders something interesting to do.

I see Gunner as the future of TNA with more in ring longevity than Garrett and Crimson. Plus Gunner has been wrestling for 10+ years already. The commentators use this as a plug fest for everything that will happen tonight. LOL what a stupid ending to this match. This past month makes me think that Mr. Anderson has something in his contract.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE (Joseph Park needs to do something)
In a 70s sky blue tuxedo. Joseph Park appears… asks about a prenuptial agreement. After Lockdown, they need to do something with Joseph Park.

MOTORCITY MACHINE GUNS PROMO (that gets no one over)
They insult Joe & Magnus (JoeNus Brothers) credentials and put over their own, such as retiring Team 3D and beating Beer Money. Unfortunately in TNA all tag teams have beaten one another. Enter Joe & Magnus, the face heels. This was basic, no frills, lacking energy, but with passion.

Enter Mexican America that get beat down. Dull. When it’s all said and done no one is over.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> DANIELS vs ARIES (effectively putting over Aries)
Should be a five star match if this was WCW, but since this is TNA I give it one star. That’s my prediction anyway. The crowd is firmly pro Aries and anti Daniels. Minutes into the match and there are great acrobatics, counters and risky maneuvers. The fans chant this is wrestling.

This was a great and effective match at putting over Aries. Daniels didn’t look too bad either.

JEFF HARDY PROMO (a waste of time)
I hate his music. Can’t even tell it’s him coming out and he’s had this music a while now. This theme is still better than his last TNA theme that he wrote and sang himself. In the background, TNA is constructing a cage for the upcoming Eric Young and ODB wedding. Jeff mentions how it all started with Kurt how he cost him the world title… no he prevented you from winning. Jeff Hardy is very meh on the microphone and just gets cheap pops by screaming into the microphone.

JAMES STORM BACKSTAGE PROMO w/ MONTGUMARY GENTRY
James is angry. That’s it. Gentry says Sorry bout your damn luck.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE
Is interrupted by Sarita and Rosita. Apparently they want the Knockouts Tag Team Titles. You know Eric Young has so many things going on. Joe Parks, a wedding, Knockouts Tag Team Titles.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB WEDDING (the kill-pace)
Eric Young will soon be having a fishing show on Animal Planet. TNA doesn’t mention that. I also think it is strange Animal Planet would have a fishing show. Very classy setup… too bad it is ruined by a steel cage. Too bad TNA isn’t saying for the first time ever, a wedding in a steel cage. They tease ODB not showing up and the fans boo. Then her music hits and she appears in a cammo wedding dress and plenty of makeup. ODB locks the cage once she enters. Perfect metaphore.

They shows a video of the past 3 months they’ve been together. Plenty of dirty moments and face in cleavage. They say their vows that involve farting, slapping ass and taking Eric’s ring music.

Rosita and Sarita appear and call ODB a beast. She actually gets a tear from this. Rosita strips. This segment really drags. Sarita strips. Wow this was stupid. ODB points out she doesn’t have what those girls have. The priest helps ODB strip. I’d pick ODB if you like abnormally large implants. Then Eric Young strips and Tazz is confused. The fans chant this is sexy… ODB forces the priest to strip. Wow. So now they’re married it is ODB Young. Then they instantly cut to:

RIC FLAIR PEP TALK TO BULLY RAY
It is good. Then Ric Flair mentions Hulk-a-mania falls apart today. What? Maybe because Hulk made this team match at Lockdown. Eh.

ROBERT ROODE BACKSTAGE PROMO WITH HENCHMEN
This was meh less than half a minute. It gets him on TV.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> BULLY RAY vs AJ STYLEZ (best match of the show)
On paper this 8 man match doesn’t look bad. Both teams circle the ring. We haven’t seen AJ vs Bully in a while after their big feud maybe 2 years ago that ended with a kick to the butt. Good tight match with both guys getting treated like stars. Eventually it devolves into an outside brawl. Good win by the winner.

Hulk Hogan appears strutting to the ring, clapping as he always does. Then he announces five on five at Lockdown. Guess it. Guess who it is. I think the fans are chanting Sid. Instead of being who I thought it was a legitimate good shock. Kudos to you TNA.

ROODE vs STORM VIDEO (fails to hit the mark)
Meh video, they’ve had better ones. This was a video from Robert Roode to James Storm recapping the last 6 months. Unfortunately I’m not into this match still, because they’ve had it too many times and had too many interactions. I guess they should be hyping up James Storm winning the TNA title again.

MADISON RAYNE & GAIL KIM vs MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKYE (typical women’s tag)
Velvet looks like a blow-up-doll as usual, but hey some women consider that a compliment. I feel like this match should have been in the middle of the card, because I’m burnt out already. Shockingly, Velvet really shined in this match, she did most of the work and did it compliantly. Good job.

JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE ANGLE (and it still doesn’t make me care)
I’m tired of watching TNA for this week, because they had the main event a few segments ago and they’re capping it off with an angle. So these two Roode and Storm have had so many interactions and so many matches that involve one another, tag matches, singles matches, four ways that I have no interest in seeing the main event. Everything TNA tries to do to hype it up, doesn’t make me want to see it more even if it is in a steel cage… you know what else is in a steel cage? Crimson & Morgan. Steel cage doesn’t matter since every other match is in a steel cage.

Both men mention Beer Money and the past including the Bound for Glory Series. Both had interesting things to say. My interest really drifted, because we’ve heard all of this before months ago. I think a guy like Roode needs the top title to keep his steam and once he loses it he won’t be nearly as noticeable. Oh and the show ends with both men forehead to forehead pushing each other’s shifting noses and it was just funny.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/05/12)

HULK HOGAN PROMO introduced by DIXIE CARTER (match announcements)
Wow what ego stroking.Dixie has Sting in the ring. They both couldn’t look average enough. In fact I saw members of the crowd that looked like bigger stars. Speaking of stars, TNA had all of its wrestlers surrounding the ring. Way to make the entire roster look like extras and background players.

Hogan plugs Lockdown and announces matches. Morgan vs Crimson at Lockdown. Knockouts challenge for #1 contender tonight. Hogan calls out Bischoff and Ric Flair on the floor argues with Hogan. Oh so Bischoff isn’t out there… either is Roode who then appears with a security force wearing suits. Well at least TNA makes him look like a star.

As I predicted any babyface as an authority figure becomes the top babyface and the top babyface that wrestles each week is always #2.Andersongets called into the ring after Roode says his piece. I never want to hearAndersontalk and thankfully he doesn’t.Andersonvs Roode is announced for tonight. Hogan then announces Jeff Hardy vs Kurt Angle for right now. I smell a lumberjack match!

JEFF HARDY vs KURT ANGLE (rushed match)
Tazz says this is a main event anywhere in the world… yep but on TNA it opens the card… because they like blowing their money matches. Eh whatever, maybe it will be a minute long and end with some cheap finish. Angle’s right leg is either hideously pale or it is taped up. Remember how I typed that I smell a lumberjack match. Nope. No chance. After a few minutes they fall to the outside and Jeff Hardy has to break the count right before he throws Kurt back in. That made little sense. Maybe with the count at 8, Jeff didn’t want to get counted out by throwing in Kurt first.

Kurt is busted open in the ring. Thankfully TNA cameras didn’t catch the blade. Eric Young’s bachelor party will air tonight. This match has good crowd enthusiasm, but it feels very rushed. Several minutes in when Angle applies the ankle lock, he is still standing. I’ve always had a problem with the standing ankle lock. It makes more sense to drop and let the guy drag you instead of letting them kick you or roll you up, but whatever.

Good finish to a match that builds to a pay-per-view in a cage. Good match, I still say it felt very rushed, but had some good energy and crowd reaction. Angle gets backstage and Hogan announces a cage match with him and Jeff Hardy. I guess I don’t have a problem with giving this match away for free to build to a pay-per-view.

FLAIR BACKSTAGE on the speaker phone with BISCHOFF
Yep Flair warns Bischoff.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE
Bully is trending worldwide. He gets asked Storm or Roode at Lockdown. Bully Ray says he’s the next world champion. Bully heads to the ring to call out Austin Aries.

BULLY RAY & ARIES ANGLE (great for both guys)
Bully Ray is calfzilla. He cuts down Austin Aries for his lack of size. Aries then appears. Aries acts like he is gonna cut a promo and ends up popping Bully with the microphone. After a beatdown, Bully Rag gives him a walking, diving powerbomb. It looked awesome and was worth a replay. This was great for both guys.

JOESEPH PARK BACKSTAGE (a waste of time)
Joe asks the caterer, because his brother has a ravenous appetite. You know Hulk once saw Abyss’s face. Hmmm… Oh but no one remembers that.

AJ STYLES BACKSTAGE (and a challenge)
He things James will win. AJ is now wearing gloves. Storm appears to challenge AJ. Eh this works and keeps Storm fresh with matches. AJ should want a title shot if he beats Storm and if Storm beats Roode at Lockdown.

KNOCKOUTS CHALLENGE >> MICKIE JAMES vs TARAvs WINTER vs ANGELINA LOVE vs MADISON RAYNE vs VELVET SKYE (and flawed logic)
Winter is announced from parts unknown. I could swear she’s fromEngland somewhere. If she had an American accent, I’d say she’s fromAlaska. Or how about the clouds above? Looks like Angelina is just a heel instead of with Winter. I hate to admit it, but Winter and Rayne have my two favorite themes in TNA. Why? I guess because they sound different from any other theme.

Apparently this match is the first fall with only 2 people at a time with the need to tag out. Strange. Why would anyone tag in? Just blind tags I guess. A match like this should either be 6 at a time or offer a punishment for the loser. Otherwise there is no reason to tag out. If I had to predict a winner, I’d say Velvet Skye, because that’s who won last week, but knowing TNA it could be Winter. If this was the WWE I’d say Rosita, because she’s not even in the match.

There is an awesome spot where Velvet is in with Rayne, who then tags out to Mickie James to make face vs face. When Mickie goes to get in Rayne kicks her out. This becomes a spotfest like all big matches. In the end, one woman is standing tall, which is great, because usually TNA has this problem of when there’s a winner everyone is in the ring, so you don’t get a visual of one person being above the rest.

ANDERSONBACKSTAGE with ROODE (less annoying than usual)
Anderson is backstage. Roode appears with his suited bodyguards.Anderson wonders why wait til tonight when we can fight right now? Isn’t right now tonight? Whatever. The suits get inAnderson’s face he touches their ties. They’ll wait til later tonight.

TNA at CMAs (with Kiss)
You get to see Jeff Hardy and James Storm posing with Kiss. I swear this was CMAs… Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is the ACMs or whatever. I wonder how much Gene Simmons asked to be paid for standing in the background. 

ERIC YOUNG’s BACHELOR PARTY (and how lame it is)
3 nerds with Eric Young picking fantasy baseball online. ODB appears to give the men a party. Insults the men and chases them away. She’s subtly chasing away everyone from Eric Young. They might as well have Eric put in a closet. She then pulls Eric close for a face full of cleavage.

JAMES STORM vs AJ STYLEZ (AJ is still a star)
Montgomery Gentry is in the crowd and James says hi. This could be awesome, but since this is TNA I see it going 4 minutes. AJ looks very strange with gloves. I like how the crowd is chanting for AJ who is the midcarder. Early on AJ summersaults out of the way of the Last Call. I think TNA should just call it Last Call instead of Last Call Super Kick. Tennay plugs the MotorCity Machine Guns are next.

This match has some good logical counters and reversals, such as elbows to a rear waist lock to break the clasp. Good match, the crowd is firmly behind AJ for 80% of the match. It is interesting to see their physiques when both of them started out with the same skinny body 10 years ago. Good finish with the winner checking on his friend. This match made AJ look good and actually show his stuff.

James Storm gets on the mic and wants Robert Roode next week to look him in the eye one last time before Lockdown.

HOGAN & STING BACKSTAGE
Hogan sends Sting home. Sting says the doctors won’t let him compete. Good. Use Sting sparingly.

MONTGOMERY GENTRY BACKSTAGE w/ ROBERT ROODE
They lightly put over TNA and put over James Storm. Robert Roode appears and spits in the face of Montgomery Gentry. This was good. Hopefully TNA

MOTORCITY MACHINE GUNS vs MEXICAN AMERICA (terrible missed opportunity)
Sabin was injured one year ago in a botched spot against Mexican America. TNA really should have put this on pay-per-view with some hype behind it. People would pay money to see their return or at least their first match into their return. By just throwing out the guns it felt like Sabin had never left and he was just a regular guy. There were brief, emphatic chants of ‘Welcome back.’ But there were more chants of ‘Motor city.’

Personally, if I were Sabin, I’d be working on Anarchya’s knee to take him out and make him disappear for a while (to OVW). There was a spot where Shelly flew off the top and landed on Anarchya who had his knees bent. Not a block, just coincidental. Anyway, the Guns looked awesome.

Sabin gets on the mic and says he wants the titles. He doesn’t mention how great it is to be back.

RIC FLAIR BACKSTAGE intercepts ERIC BISCHOFF
Flair says Hogan is out of control. Eric calls Ric a two time hall-of-famer. Flair says that Hogan is out of control because he’s making matches for Lockdown. Oh no! An authority figure making matches? TNA plugs a Bischoff & Hogan in the ring for a confrontation.

HOGAN & BISCHOFF ANGLE
Hogan is in the ring and calls out Bischoff who then appears. Thank goth this wasn’t the main event after the last match. I’m much happier with this match under the main event. Eric Bischoff says blah blah blah. This is something I’ve heard from him so many times. Against Garrett Bischoff, Vince McMahon, Steve Austin. Probably other guys too.

Hogan says that Eric needs to put together a team for Lockdown and Garrett will make the other team. I like this idea. Garrett doesn’t need to be in a singles cage match. Hmmm Gunner & Mexican America vs Garrett & uh… Anthony Neese & D-Von.

If Garrett loses he’s off TNA and if Eric’s team loses he can no longer use his own name for the rest of his life. Yep… Maybe he will be Bob Smith.

STORM VIDEO
A great video recap with the split of Beer Money interviewing Storm and people from his life, his friends, wife, and family. Storm even has a baby in his arms. James Storm is Joe Everyman. This video was good and it really pushes Storm vs Roode as something special to TNA.

MR. ANDERSON vs ROBERT ROODE (what match?)
Andersonsays Mr. Anderson.Anderson. Then walks to the ring. Ken Anderson looks terrible, like he’s ill with the flu and they’re making him wrestle. Maybe he has food poisoning or something. He also wears a shirt that says ‘pro wrestling is real.’ Since he has the sleeves well cut off, it looks like the shirt says ‘no wrestling is real.’ At least Mr. Anderson has a win going into this match and at least Robert Roode has a fresh match that doesn’t involve Hardy, Bully or Storm. Wow Bobby is thin compared to the TNA title. He only has 1 set of buttons buttoned. Maybe TNA needs magnets on the belt to keep the strap from just flapping like that.

For whatever reasonAndersonhas 33 on the back of his wrestling trunks, is that his age? Is that the highway he lives next to? Tennay announces that there will be a series of matches between team Garrett vs team Gunner. I like how no one really pays attention to the match in the ring. The commentators just recap what we’ve seen and what we will see.

Ref bump. Ken Anderson gets the visionary. Well I smell the first feud after Roode loses the title at Lockdown. Heck he might not even lose the title and this might be the main event program after Lockdown. Beer bottle finish. Poor referee has to count in the glass.Andersonis bleeding. I also like how no one can say Bobby Roode, they always say Bobby Rooooo.

James Storm appears with Hogan. That’s like a boy appearing with his dad to confront a bully. Good job TNA. Hogan reverses the decision. Maybe this was inAnderson’s contract where he needs to get a win over Bobby Roooo. After that final match, I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

Randy Orton vs Kane (a far better idea to get heat) and kickstar an evil era

Randy Orton and Kane have a match tonight that was based around nothing until Kane revealed that he didn’t like feeling human when Randy Orton beat him in a match last summer. Wow what a meh reason for a match at WrestleMania. Basically they had no place for either one of them, so they stuck them together.

KANE and ORTON
Now here is a better idea that should have been done weeks ago (sorry I’m so late on posting this): Randy Orton, you’re too pretty. I hate pretty things. Your male model looks I’ve always liked scarecrow frankenstien good looks. I’ll make you so gruesome you’ll fall out of life and be to embarassed, humiliated and humbled to ever show your face in public let alone wrestling. I don’t want to win at wrestlemania. Just disfigure you. Put your pretty face between the stairs and stomp the pretty out of you.

I think the interest from my version of Kane vs Orton would be seeing Randy’s face stomped in the stairs. In fact he can do it to Tyson Kidd, Ted Dibiase Jr and take them out for 2 months. Get the staircase face stomp  over.

Kane can even terrorize the Divas because they’re pretty. Kane can take Kelly Kelly outside the ring, throw the top set of stairs off and put Kelly Kellyh’s head down on the lower stairs only to have Orton save her. Kane can be suspended, because WWE doesn’t allow violence against women… even though they do. Suspend Kane til Mania.

THE MASK
The week before Mania, Orton can even question the logic behind why Kane has his mask back and vows to unmask the Big Red Monster after he pins him. However, at Mania Kane can get the upper hand and just staircase Orton’s face to put him out of action briefly enough time for Kane to go onto other things. Things such as why is Kane wearing the mask… because his mask was taken from him by the wrestler HHH. The wrestler HHH has now been replaced by some corporate suit wearing shell of a man and if someone wants Kane’s mask, they can take it from him.

Kane then goes on to destroy people and Kane wants revenge on HHH who is no longer a wrestler. Kane will make HHH a wrestler again by taking out guys on the show. If there are no wrestlers left, HHH will be forced to wrestle. Then you either have HHH win and take off Kane’s mask… but more interestingly let’s say Kane injures HHH and beats him to a pulp and puts him on the shelf.

KANE’S MASTER PLAN
The night after Kane takes out HHH the red monster can laugh and point out he got what he wanted… not revenge on HHH, but now no one runs the WWE, there will be chaos! The WWE will turn into the wild west where only the strong survive. John Laurenitus can try for a power play to take over the WWE and some face like Punk or Cena can prevent him while the rest of the card has monsters destroying guys. Khali, Henry, Big Show, and Kane destroy guys for months. Kane can convince guys like Brodus Clay to embrace the hate and shed his red jump suit to be himself and destroy the weaker wrestlers. T-Rexx, Drew McIntyre can kill low end guys. It will finally culminates at Survivor Series where the top 4 faces take on the top 4 monsters to restore order. The next month HHH could come back and take out Kane.

THE EVIL ERA
Kane can create a unique situation with no one in power and kickstart an evil era. They can brand that idea and it would provide for 6 months of shows that lead into and after Surivor Series. This could even lead to Kane getting the belt, which with an entire era revolving around him creating this chaos.