Tag Archives: Samoa Joe

TNA Slammiversary 2014 Predictions, Hopes and Booking

There are 9+ matches and segments on this card and a Hall of Fame induction segment with Kurt Angle. I remember when WWE wouldn’t ever have more than 7 on a pay-per-view.

THE VON ERICHS (MARSHALL & ROSS) vs TBA
I have a feeling the TBA will be Bro Mans and DJ Zima Ion. If not them, then Spud. This will be a feel good moment hopefully later in the event o lift up the crowd. Robbie E and Jesse do the job, all Texans go home happy.  Maybe Lacey Von Erich will be out there too as a face valet. She could then join the Knockout division and have some fresh matches. This would also give the Bro Mans a spot on the card, when clearly all signs point to a six man tag between the Bro Mans and the Menagerie. But I guess the Menagerie can’t do a six man, when one of their guys is in the six way for the X-Division title.

KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP: Champion, ANGELINA LOVE w/ VELVET SKYE vs GAIL KIM
Gail Kim has always been the #1 contender. Angelina Love has been ducking her since winning the title. This is about as deep as the Knockouts division goes. These four women. Angelina Loves should keep this title for the specific fact that she should never hold this title again. Gail Kim winning the title wouldn’t suddenly open up new matches to the Knockouts Division. This is it. These four women. They need to open up the division to one shot appearances from women outside the company for one match or so. Maybe with the Von Erichs appearing, they’ll bring back Lacey Von Erich to screw over Gail Kim and open up some fresh matches. Lacey was a member of the beautiful people at some point, but she’s currently doing erotic point of view wrestling.

They could also have Lacey cost Angelina the title, so Lacey can be a face valet with the Von Erichs and be her own person in the knockout division.

MR. ANDERSON vs JAMES STORM
If there’s one match on this card that I couldn’t care less about, its this one. Please let them open the show with this. After watching TNA all month or so, I can’t tell who’s the heel and the face. James Storm really comes off as a face, while Ken Anderson seems to be the bad comedy heel people want to see beat. Much like Rockstar Spud ‘s role in the Bully Ray feud. Mr. Anderson should win, keep the crowd happy, someone famous that they know. So he can get fed to MVP. Heck, if TNA cuts the match, I’d be okay with it, but I guess a promise is a promise. Have it.

WILLOW w/ ABYSS vs MAGNUS w/ BRAM
On Impact, the guys had a face to face. Willow kept saying WE, he and Jeff Hardy will take out Bram and Magnus, so Abyss comes out as back up. Personally I would have rather seen someone with Jeff Hardy’s size wear a Willow mask at the PPV to wrestle Magnus, then have the real Jeff Hardy run out to blow people’s minds. As for who wins this match? It’ll end in a DQ. Abyss just came back, Bram is new and Magnus now likes to hit people with objects, because getting you disqualified somehow moves you up the ladder? Good logic buddy.

X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP 6 WAY LADDER MATCH: Champion, SANADA vs TIGRE UNO vs CRAZZY STEVE vs EDDIE EDWARDS vs DAVEY RICHARDS vs MANIK
This is my most anticipated match, even though there’s zero build for it on Impact. It was just thrown together. For the past 2 years, TNA has used its X-Division title as an Option C, a guaranteed, TNA title match at the expense of giving up the X-Division title. Much like a Money in the Bank briefcase in the WWE. The TNA title match would happen at the Destination X event on Spike TV.

If Eddie or Davey win, I think that telegraphs MVP winning the title, assuming he’s not too injured to win the title. I really hope Sanada wins. He’s the guy not caught up in backstage shit and hasn’t been beat down by MVP’s group. He can be a fresh story and offer a straight up wrestling match for the title. Samoa Joe, Austin Aries and Bully Ray can fend off MVP and Ethan Carter so Sanada can get a clean match out of MVP or Eric Young at the Destination X event. It would mean so much more to have a clean wrestling match, because that never happens anymore.

Once the title is given up, there should be a tournament for the vacated championship building to Destination X.

I just really hope that Crazzy Steve doesn’t have his music blasting all match long. TNA has a real chance to turn this match into something special like Money in the Bank instead of a forgettable spot fest. They could even use the Menagerie stilt walkers to aid Crazzy Steve.

AUSTIN ARIES vs KENNY KING
Why aren’t these two in the X-Division championship match? Two former X-Division champions and all. Well they’ve got a going feud, so why not have this match? It should be a good match, but the trick is to make it a memorable match. Let Austin Aries win to feed him to MVP. Heck Aries could win this match and still face off against the X-Division champion before Destination X.

SAMOA JOE vs BOBBY LASHLEY
Even though there is no heat to this match, I’m looking forward to two bulls fighting. I would say Joe should win, since he just came back and they can feed Joe to MVP, but Bobby Lashley has 2 victories over the TNA champion, Eric Young. Bobby Lashley should win. I think this match could be memorable if its stiff and technical. Two big dudes that can suplex one another.

TNA HALL OF FAME INDUCTION WITH HOST KURT ANGLE
Wow, there are 9+ matches on this pay-per-view and they need a hall of fame induction too? Well it is Slammiversary, so why not? They have Kurt and Sting in the hall of fame, and I see this hall of fame more as an everyone not in the WWE hall of fame. So why not Dixie Carter? She can come down to the ring, accept the award and she should be in the Hall of Fame. TNA has been building to putting Dixie Carter through a table for the past few months, maybe since their last pay-per-view. Bully Ray could then appear to put her through a table, but then Ethan Carter can run out and they can have their match right then and there. That’s what ECW would have done.

TEXAS DEATH MATCH: BULLY RAY vs ETHAN CARTER III W/ SPUD
It was built up as a table match originally, but since Slammiversary is in Texas, why not have a Texas Death Match? I hope they’ll actually keep the 10 count after a pinfall like the true version. Otherwise, its just a last man standing match. The real issue here is putting Dixie Carter through the table. I would say Dixie will get put through a table at a TV taping at the old ECW arena, the Manhattan center, but Spike TV doesn’t allow violence against women. Bully Ray even came out this week on Impact and saved Brooke Tessmacher, showing to the crowd he’s not anti woman, he’s anti Dixie. Bully Ray needs to put Dixie through a table on pay-per-view. First because Spike TV won’t let them, and second, because people are paying for Slammiversary.

TNA CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE MATCH: Champion, ERIC YOUNG vs MVP
The big question going into this match is will MVP be able to compete. MVP cannot compete, I updated after this match. Supposedly he injured himself on a non TNA show. If MVP can’t make it, Lashley needs to take his place. Bobby Lashley now has 2 wins over Eric Young, that puts Lashley right there with Eric Young. Heck, MVP has lost two matches to Eric Young.

TNA must not like money, because they just had their Champion, Eric Young against the challenger MVP on free television three days from their match on PPV. Perhaps their logic is people will pay for the cage match. No. Who cares? I just saw Eric Young win and beat the challenger MVP after taking out two other men. Plus, even with a rested Eric Young against MVP, I can’t imagine them having a better match even with a cage! I remember when WCW would give away their PPV main events free on Nitro. MVP should have come out and told Eric Young, I’m not the last guy, we agreed to two out of three wins. I didn’t say I’d be guy #3. I am not a number, I am the guy you’ll face at Slammiversary. Why would MVP ever agree to this? Even with a logical cage match to keep out Kenny King and Bobby Lashley, the challenger, MVP has a history of buying off and bullying referees into winning matches. The deck is stacked against Eric Young. Better put a top on that cage! MVP will win, but I’ve bet against Eric Young before and been wrong…. Personally, I’d keep the title on Eric Young, because MVP still has power to make matches yet he doesn’t ever make wise matches, but on the other hand if MVP doesn’t win the title, that’s sort of a road block for his faction.

*** UPDATE *** TNA CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE THREE WAY MATCH: Champion, ERIC YOUNG vs TBA vs TBA
So apparently MVP is really injured and can’t make the show. So TNA has announced the winners of Austin Aries vs Kenny King and Samoa Joe vs Bobby Lashley would be entered in the match. I predict Lashley and King to be inserted into the match, when really it should just be Bobby Lashley, who has 2 wins over the champion, Eric Young. However, having the two qualifying matches gives them weight and a reason to care about them. Anyway, while I predict Lashley and King to win their matches, for the sake of a good match, I hope that its Aries and Samoa Joe in the cage, but the fans wouldn’t know who to cheer for. Eric Young should walk out with the TNA title.

There you have it, all of my predictions, hopes, dreams and musings.

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Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should be) (in my mind) (6/28/12)

AJ STYLES & DIXIE CARTER BACKSTAGE (brief)
Another brief backstage thing with AJ saying he’s gonna beat up Daniels and Kazarian. At least this was quick and painless compared to Derrek Bateman backstage at NXT. I still feel that TNA can salvage the Clare Lynch / AJ / Dixie / Daniels / KAZ storyline and you can read about it here… (http://wp.me/p1Prve-j9)

BFG >> MR. ANDERSON vs RVD (surprisingly good … maybe because it wasn’t bad)
Mr. Anderson looks at the mic too long. He talks too long. Do we have any assholes in the building tonight. Yayyyy he’s swearing He swore! Let’s cheer him. He hails from Green Bay Wisconsin. As a Chicagoan… you shouldn’t be proud of that, but whatever. Tennay runs down Mr. Anderson winning 2 points at a TNA live event for a time limit draw. When TNA goes to a commercial they need to throw up the wins / losses in a round robin graph.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. As of last year… I never want to see this match again. Tennay mentions that there is now a 15 minute time limit. I’d rather have a 10 minute time limit, but whatever. RVD does an Indian death lock and Anderson crawls out of it which made it very awkward for RVD. RVD has some good submissions and Anderson has some legitimate fight out of the submissions. Looked good. Over the past few months Anderson has gotten better… and this comment comes from someone that doesn’t like him. RVD has some very beautiful moves and submissions.

The crowd stays hot for this match and that’s what’s really important. This was a good little match and it was the right amount of time for me to get into it and actually care, which is something I couldn’t say about any match last week. James Storm > Samoa Joe > Kurt Angle > Mr Anderson > RVD so far in the BFG Series

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO (good, not gold)
TNA shows that someone else is coming to the ring. They play his music and I have no idea who’s coming to the ring… then they reveal its Austin Aries. Oh yeah. I have no idea what his entrance looks like and I watch every week.

Aries explains his choice last week to sacrifice the belt… that would be something good for the Sacrifice PPV. He also explains that the X-Division will have a tournament at Destination X to determine the new title. Good. That was my idea last year, along the lines of the Super Junior tournament in Japan.

Robert Roode comes down. He looks like an accountant. Austin Aries looks like a magician, but I’d rather pay to see a magician than pay to see an accountant. Robert Roode says that he’s made the belt worth something. See I disagree. He needs more clean wins. Austin Aries has had good clean wins. Roode points out the BFG series will have 12 men fighting for a chance at the title. Well Aries should point out that the X-Division will have a tournament. Robert Roode brings up Hulk Hogan. Makes me think the real feud here is Hogan vs Roode not Roode vs Storm or even the man he’s standing with.

Aries heats things up when he dares Roode to take him out of his rings. The crowd is hot. They get read, then Roode bails. Aries should have jumped at him when Roode bailed.

CLARE LYNCH RECAP / CLARE LYNCH BACKSTAGE INTERVIEW w/ DIXIE (terrible)
Terrible stuff. Their backstage interviewer is no longer Jason Hervy. The interviewer asks her how she met Dixie. Oh through a party at Dixie’s. Uggg. Terrible.

DANIELS & KAZ BACKSTAGE
They argue. Too brief to be good or bad.

X-DIVISION QUALIFIER >> SONJAY DUTT vs RUBIX (2 guys thrown out there cold fire up the crowd)
Dutt is back! At least for a month. He’s been in TNA’s other promotion Ring Ka King in India. I’ve heard of Rubix. This should be highly entertaining. Hopefully they can rekindle the X-Division now that its dead. But how rekindled can it be when TNA has the Bound for Glory Series? Rubix has a great look. He’s crisp and very quick. Sonjay himself is a great pro and always has been. Its great when 2 guys who haven’t been in the company or in the company for 2+ years can come in and fire up the crowd like this with no introduction. A sick backflip double stomp finisher. Clean victory. Good stuff even if it was quick. The fans are firmly behind the winner. The winner is stopped by Christy Hemme and he says says he’s never been TNA X-Division championship, so that’s his goal.

GUT CHECK >> TAYLOR HENDRIX EVALUATION
Tazz, Al Snow & Bruch Prichard backstage in the trailer to talk. Its in pure work mode. They question if she’s green or game ready. I think she’s ready with a lot of growth potential. Tazz hates when people come in with a sense of entitlement… and Taylor doesn’t have that. Bruce questions if they’ll buy a PPV because she’s on it. Truth be told so many people have found my reviews of TNA Impact because of Taylor Hendrix. Yes. She is a draw. A skinny chick with big implants. She’s a draw. Plus she’s fresher than 9/10ths of the knockouts.

BFG >> SAMOA JOE vs BULLY RAY (hard hitting and heavy lifting)
It astounds me how TNA can throw guys out cold or spend years making them lose, yet the crowd is always hot for them. This match should be awesome and at some point I would have paid for it. The crowd even knows its awesome before it happens. They’re soaking it in before they wrestle. Fans are heavy chanting through the match. This match is as you’d expect…. hard hitting and heavy lifting. What’s strange and good is Bully Ray is working the arm. Bully Ray even does a running frog splash. Toward the end of the match Joseph Park runs to the ring, Bully Ray puts his hands on Joseph who then slaps him hard. The crowd explodes.

JOSEPH PARK PROMO (good stuff)
After the match, Joseph says he’s been bullied all his life. So he challenges Bully tonight! Now he says in 2 weeks from tonight. What? Oh well 2 weeks Bully vs Joseph Park.

DIXIE & CLARE BACKSTAGE (bad)
Dixie explains all. Wow this is done in such a sterile environment to keep the fans out of it. Dixie explains Christopher Daniels twisted the facts. Daniels caught Dixie and AJ Styles planning a surprise birthday party for Dixie’s husband Serge.

KAZ & HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE (bad and dumb)
LOL wow KAZ is backpedaling. He wants to bail on Daniels. Again they can really salvage this angle if Daniels comes out and says that AJ & Dixie are lying. This woman Clare Lynch is a serrogate mother holding Dixie’s fertilized egg with AJ’s sperm. Go further not pull back. Or hell just drop it like the Sting and three masked men angle. I wanted KAZ to stay face or go heel. Not both.

MADISON RAYNE & GARRETT BISCHOFF BACKSTAGE (quick)
Garrett is wearing a bowling shirt. Madison Rayne has this crush… so she’s wondering ‘what’s he like?’ I bet its Robbie E.

2 BROOKES & 1 GAIL (the rematch is set)
Brooke Hogan tells Brooke Tessmacher that she’s the new Direct Auto spokesperson. Gail Kim arrives and it gets interesting without getting bad. Gail wants her rematch. Hogan… Brooke Hogan tells her next week she gets a rematch.

X-DIVISION QUALIFIER >> RASHAAD CAMERON vs MASON ANDREWS (high octane recklessness)
Cameron has a great look, black guy with a fro and colorful tights. He looks different. He doesn’t feel like an X-Division guy. Mason Andrews has a spring in his step. The crowd is less hot for this match. There are plenty of ooos and ahhhs. Mason has some great areal work and almost kills himself corkscrewing not high enough over the top rope to the outside. Rashaad isn’t the best worker and neither is Mason. Rashaad seems to be safer like he works a main event style while Rashaad works an X division style. Mason Andrews looks very bland even if his moves are totally flashy. Maybe he needs a mask. The fans chant this is awesome at some sloppy work. Quick match and that’s okay. The winner says that the fans know they’re looking at the next X-Division champion! Good. The fans boo him. Even better!

HULK HOGAN & JAMES STORM BACKSTAGE w/ JEFF HARDY (how’s everybody)
James Storm asks about Sting. Hogan asks about James. Hogan says next week Storm vs Jeff Hardy. This was quick and you know what’s next week. TNA is fun right now. They give you stuff to look forward to. They’re building to things and they’re using matches to prove the best.

GUT CHECK >> TAYLOR HENDRIX DECISION (the interruption)
I say she gets it, but who knows. Tazz, Al Snow and Bruce Prichard make the decision. Taylor this is a beauty pageant, make sure to wave like a queen. Tazz says… what the fans say. Al Snow says… There’s someone in the crowd… and its Joey Ryan with a sign. Awesome. He should get dragged away by security. Joey is challenging Tazz and bang there’s security. Live television. Al Snow says something. Leaving one final man to tie break! Taylor is force to cut a promo. Good promo, bad delivery. Sounded whinny, forced and not real. Bruce Prichard says he doesn’t think she’s mean enough. Huh? Whatever. Tara is mean enough and she doesn’t go anywhere. She’s the sympathetic babyface. Oh and for the dozens of people writing me in wonder, she had been misdiagnosed with cancer. She’s not a survivor.

KURT ANGLE & AJ STYLES BACKSTAGE (an announcement)
AJ announces that he and Daniels have a last man standing match at Destination X. Should be good…. if we didn’t see it every month for the past 4+ months.

TAG TITLES >> KURT ANGLE & AJ STYLES vs CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & KAZ
So from this show we’ve learned KAZ doesn’t want to be with Daniels. Clare Lynch and Dixie Carter are ringside watching. At the last pay-per-view this was the match of the show if not TNA’s 2012.

This really tells the story of KAZ turning on Daniels. When Angle tries to suplex Daniels and Daniels hangs onto KAZ, KAZ hits Daniels to get him to let go so Angle can suplex him. Then KAZ turns on Daniels and gives him to AJ Styles. Good little match, but not the same…

DANIELS DECLARES AJ IS THE FATHER!

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should be) (in my mind) (6/21/12)

TNA OPENING RECAP (brief, but star making)
Roode recap. Aries recap. Good stuff… because they’re faces. People care about both of them. Aries is on fire. Brief recap. TNA has been getting a lot better lately. Like I can’t wait for TNA Impact every week. I’m not the only person saying that.

HULK HOGAN & AUSTIN ARIES ANGLE (headed to Aries execution)
As much as I don’t care what Hogan has to say… I think… he’s not Robert Roode or HHH starting off a 2 hour wrestling show… so that makes me happy. Tonight is Gut Check and Open Fight Night. TNA will have its first female Gut Check challenger. They’ve also got the Bound for Glory Series. I’m actually looking forward to this.

Hogan wants an answer from Aries if he will give up his X-Division championship for a title shot at Robert Roode at Destination X. See this is a terrible idea, a bad idea and a good idea all at once. It is a good idea, because Austin Aries doesn’t need to be beat to give up a low-end title. It is a bad idea because I’d much rather see Aries vs AJ Stylez main event Destination X and its a terrible idea, because Roode’s storyline trumps Austin Aries career. Aries should not come to an end. If anything Aries should be the man to take the belt even if the angle is designed for James Storm to get the top title.

Austin Aries wants any X-Division champion to have the opportunity to give up the title for a top title shot at the Destination X. Good idea I guess, since it puts heat on the belt… once a year. Robert Roode comes out and blah blah blah. It ends in a hockey fight. Yes a shirt pulling hockey fight before its broken up. Then Mr. Anderson appears with microphone in hand. He doesn’t have his blonde hair. Don’t ever let Anderson talk. Anderson says he’ll win the Bound for Glory Series. Please no. Oddly enough Mr. Anderson wasn’t terrible on the microphone. He was okay.

BOUND FOR GLORY SERIES SCORE SYSTEM (Thank goth they talk about it.)
Same as last year. Good idea to show how scoring is done. Still lose 10 points for a DQ and there is now a 10 minute time limit for each match. Good. I like that. Gives a chance for draws.

BFG >> MR. ANDERSON vs CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (good for its clean victory)
Mr. Anderson challenges Christopher Daniels. Again, don’t let Mr. Anderson talk. Christopher Daniels comes out with an appletini. I remember this match from a month ago. Very meh in terms of crowd heat compared to most TNA matches in the past few months. Good clean finish. Thank you TNA. I laugh at how Mike Tenney calls something a patented move… when so many people do it. The victory celebration is silly if not dumb.

AJ & DIXIE BACKSTAGE (time filler)
She wants to tell everyone… This is a time filler. We saw 2 of these last week. I expect to see 2 more tonight.

BROOKE HOGAN w/ ODB / MICKIE JAMES / VELVET SKYE / MADISON RAYNE (pretty bad)
This was done reality style… They’re discussing who gets the Knockouts title. Brooke wants to know why they want the title. This does put heat on the Knockouts title. Wow this does not make any of the four glow in a positive light. This was designed to make Brooke Hogan look good and like the only sane person.

BFG >> ROBBIE E vs KURT ANGLE (effective)
Robbie E does a good open challenge that is answered by Angle. I predict a destruction of both Robbie E and Rob Terry. Great victory. Made the winner look very effective.

TAYLOR HENDRIX GUT CHECK VIDEO (interesting story)
She’s got red hair. That’s what’s missing from wrestling. None of her footage had red hair. In fact her footage makes her look like Mickie James this is a plus for her… but not Mickie. She announces that she was diagnosed with cancer at age 21.

BFG >> MAGNUS vs AJ STYLEZ (an ok match too short to be good)
This episode of Impact is going by quick. Magnus calls out someone, it goes to commercial. I have a feeling its Joe. Nope its AJ Stylez. Funny how all of these open challenges call out home wreckers. ODB should call out the Wedding Planner next. Magnus catches AJ off the top rope with a ragdoll catch then turns it into a suplex. That looked good. AJ misses a Pele kick. Apparently what he and Dixie are going through is messing with him. Daniels & KAZ interfere. At least they haven’t interfered in a while.

GUT CHECK >> TAYLOR HENDRIX vs TARA (give her a job)
She looks like she’s in the hot girl marching band… implants… so she’ll fit in with TNA’s abnormal sized implants. Tara comes down to the ring. Good choice. I would have had Gail Kim, but I guess Gail has more of a character. So what do we grade here? Her ability to sell? Do we grade Taylor Hendrix ability to mimmick Mickie James?

I say give Taylor Hendrix a TNA contract. She’s hot with crisp work and mega implants that TNA loves. We haven’t seen a new knockout in at least a year. Get rid of Angelina Love or Winter. What have they done lately?

In fact since Brooke Tessmacher hasn’t been here this week, they can have Taylor get a job next week and have Brooke return to say She’s not Taylor… she’s some stalker from my former sorority!

JOSEPH PARK & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE (too brief to be gold)
Bully Ray bullies the giant Joseph Park who brings up his brother… Bully Ray doesn’t want to see Joseph Park in the crowd. This was good… stoopid bastad.

BFG >> SAMOA JOE vs JAMES STORM (on the verge of good, but not long enough)
Since no one has the guts to call out Samoa Joe, he calls out James Storm. Should be good, but every match on this show has been 2 – 4 minutes. A win is a win even if its not really a match. Tazz & Tennay hype the fact James Storm has been away from active competition. There is a dueling chant… which is good. Joe dumps James on his head with a power slam. After the match Joe comes at James Storm with a beer bottle… I won’t ruin what happens next.

AJ / DIXIE / DANIELS ANGLE VIDEO RECAP
Yep AJ & Dixie have a surprise for Serge. It’s probably like an autograph from Serge’s favorite baseball player. Good recap of a terrible angle that gives AJ an excuse to lose.

AJ & DIXIE BACKSTAGE (again)
Time filler… AJ wants to get it done tonight. It’s funny because last week AJ wanted it done… then he didn’t and Dixie wanted to. Now this episode starts its Dixie that wants to… and now its AJ. Well now that everyone’s on the same page.

BROOKE HOGAN w/ 3 of the 4 women (too quick to be as bad as it could)
Eh its getting sane. Brooke is kinda pointing out how silly the women are. And someone leaves. Quick.

BFG >> BULLY RAY vs POPE (The ghost of Abyss)
… Pope is back after being gone 6+ months. Crimson was undefeated for 18 months. Why is he not in this series? Whatever. Anyway, comes down to the ring and challenges Pope. Bully Ray needs a racist gimmick to make up for all the black men he beats down. So I guess RVD vs Jeff Hardy will be the main event… I predict another 2 – 4 minute match between Bully Ray and Pope. Interestingly Pope has a punching / elbow combination just like Bully Ray has a punching combo. At some point Abyss comes through the crowd. Terrifying some of the ring rats at ringside. Abyss is just like a ghost haunting Bully Ray.

HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ JEFF HARDY & RVD
Makes Jeff Hardy vs RVD… yup.

DESTINATION X TRAILER w/ AUSTIN ARIES
Its awesome. Makes him look like a star.

MONTGUMARY GENTRY MUSIC VIDEO starring VELVET SKYE
So she’s a single mother? Or its just acting. This is more Velvet’s video than Montgumary Gentries. They don’t show all of it… but this just proves… get big implants so you can be a star. Even reality shows know the value of implants.

BROOKE HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ 2 of 4 FINALISTS
This might as well have been a beauty pageant. Quite the shock outcome. Kept quick.

KNOCKOUTS TITLE >> TESSMACHER vs FINALIST
Congrats to TNA for making a new female star with Miss. Tessmacher. Beautiful moves from the finalist. Lots of butt shots from the camera. I wish I didn’t have to report on that… but that’s where the cameras are. This match will probably do TNA’s biggest rating of the night… even with the terrible build. Miss Tessmocher is selling more than Taylor Hendrix. Good clean finish.

BFG >> RVD vs JEFF HARDY (failed to interest me)
Yep its a match. I remember when people would pay for this match. To be honest I had no interest in this match. Two flat guys having the same match for the 1,000th time. It isn’t any better, it isn’t any worse. No heat is put on the match since there’s an angle on top.

PROS

  • Austin Aries in TNA
  • Christopher Daniels appletini
  • Some clean wins in the BFG!
  • Winner of Robbie E & Kurt Angle looked very effective
  • Taylor Hendrix
  • TNA letting the winners celebrate… almost as long as the matches.

CONS

  • No Sting storyline continuation. He was attacked by 3 masked me, Jeff Jarrett and the Harris brothers (I think).
  • Very little build for Destination X… but I guess you need to have an X-Division to have an X-Division pay-per-view.
  • Robert Roode talking
  • Mr. Anderson talking
  • Knockouts discussing why they want the Knockouts title… *shakes head*
  • AJ’s head not in the game… I’d much rather not see him on his year long losing streak.
  • Gut Check as a whole. What are we evaluating? A person’s ability to lose?
  • Tag champs not wearing their championship belts. Did anyone remember they are tag champs?
  • Backstage with Knockouts, but it was kept quick
  • I’ve seen RVD and Hardy too much to care… but that can be said a lot about any match in TNA.
  • No Devon defending the TV title. Not that it matters, but it was said… defending it on every Impact. Maybe he’s on Xplosion.
  • Over run lead to no conclusion with the Dixie and AJ angle… the main event.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should be) (in my mind) (06/07/12)

TNA IMPACT OPENING with DIXIE LAST WEEK
They recap what happened last week and then show what happened off the air. Dixie is angry marching to the production truck. Hopefully the AJ / Dixie angle doesn’t turn out to be a surprise birthday party for Serge her husband. TNA said that we’d be going backstage more and more.

DIXIE IN THE RING (heat killer)
She’s all teary eyed. Dixie feels sorry for Christopher Daniels and KAZ that they’d be so sad as to do this. So Dixie is gonna tell the truth! Enter Daniels and KAZ. Daniels has his hand taped. His hand or fingers. Daniels REALLY should have been the one to shave KAZ’s head. Be like me KAZ, be like me! We are one as a tag team. That didn’t happen. Daniels and KAZ look like jobbers wearing Slammiversary T-shirts and they don’t even carry the tag belts. Daniels harasses her. Its nice. Dixie starts trying to bash him, Kaz gives her a nice push to the corner. AJ came in for the save. This isn’t gold, I’m not sure how much heat it has. Serge comes in. He helps his wife and looks angry at AJ Stylez. Serge clocks AJ. They are going into good territory with this, but since its AJ its still unbelievable. The fans are chanting Photo-Shop? Serge leaves them, and AJ walks Dixie out. Well that’s a crowd killer.

It is soon announced AJ & Dixie left the building, but he’s in a six man tag main event!

AUSTIN ARIES & SAMOA JOE BACKSTAGE
Very briefly Joe has an issue with him. Its too brief to get heat.

THE STREAK >> CRIMSON vs AUSTIN ARIES (uh boy)
Crimson issues an open challenge for the PPV. Fight him and lose! Then screams Undefeated!

I still want to point out Crimson was pinned as a tag champion. If anyone on the TNA roster should beat Crimson, it should be Austin Aries. If anyone can get a good match out of Crimson it is Austin Aries. The crowd is behind Aries. But with Joe and Aries having an issue just before the match, that might telegraph the winner. It didn’t last week.

BROOKE BACKSTAGE w/ FACE KNOCKOUTS (surprisingly good)
Look at these outfits! Look at these bodies! They’re more beautiful in person! She’s clearly a face. A man of a face. She puts Velvet, Mickie James, Brooke and Tara into a four way. Why does Brooke look older than these girls when she’s probably the youngest? Brooke mentions that she’s getting them media opperunities. If that’s true, cool. Montgumery Gentry wants Velvet for a music video. Mickie James subtly looks pissed.

HOGAN ANNOUCEMENTS (meh build to the PPV)
Hogan comes out and announces the ten year anniversary party starts tonight end ends next week with the TNA champion having a title match next week on Impact. Then Robert Roode comes out, starts talking, gets interrupted, but Robert Roode is never done talking. It was a good verbal assault… if they’re planning Hogan vs Roode. He puts his hands on Hogan. Sting appears. Roode beats down Sting who just gets back up. Sting sells nothing. Then Robert Roode gets sent out of the ring.

Robert Roode wears a new IT Factor T-shirt that looks terrible and generic. They really could have had some more IT Factor in the IT Factor T-shirt. In other words, that’s not a shirt I’d buy or anyone else.

JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE
He can’t believe what he’s doing. Good character. To brief to be great, but this was good for the 30 seconds it was.

#1 CONTENDER >> MICKIE JAMES vs VELVET SKYE vs BROOKE TESSMOCHER vs TARA (seen these women in this match combination too many times)
Brooke Tessmocher is from Houston, TX and the PPV is in TX. Give her the knockout victory in her home state. All faces… except for Mickie who is about to turn. Gail appears soon after the match starts. Gail on commentary says she’s beaten all four. Gail Kim is the longest running Knockouts champ. Along with every other major title holder. Thank goth Gail is on commentary, because this match is so dull and burnt out that I forget there’s a match going on. There is a good spot where all 4 women are involved in submissions. I remember when WWE did similar things 10 years ago. Tara does a top rope moonsault instead of a standing one. Very impressive and graceful, unlike Lita’s.

Eventually former tag partners Brooke & Tara fight. The work starts getting sloppy toward the end. Like someone will get hurt kind of sloppy.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE (voice is out of sync?)
Strange the voice is out of sync. He’s got a contract for Joseph Park.

HOGAN BACKSTAGE ON THE PHONE
You get here AJ! Grrr…

BULLY RAY & JOSEPH PARK CONTRACT SIGNING w/ JEREMY BORASH (interesting and entertaining)
This has been a good 3+ month storyline. It would be a good one off match and they might want to do this with non wrestlers. Have them appear 3 months and do one match before disappearing. Do that 4x a year with various people and you can really keep them fresh. Like Robert Roode vs his old friend in spring, Bully vs Joseph in summer, AJ vs Serge in fall, ODB vs the Wedding Planner in winter. Very easy to do.

Bully has a good shirt. Some sort of parody on the Jack Daniels bottle. Joseph Park comes out with no music, but he is not a wrestler. He’s good at not knowing how to get in the ring. He’s good at being clueless. The fans want tables. Bully starts by tearing up the contract. Bully Ray pulls his special contract out that protects him from liability. Joseph Park isn’t crazy enough to do that. The fans cheer him surprisingly. Abyss should come out and sign it then… but that’s not the match. Bully Ray spits in his face. Joseph cuts a promo about his brother who spilt his blood and gave his body. He’ll sign for his brother Chris. If this means Abyss has retired and Joseph needs to wrestle now.

Abyss appears on the big screen. He’s not happy with Joseph. Abyss does some good work, even gets a shock from the crowd. Gold… for such a weird plotline. Bully Ray attacks Joseph. Great segment.

MIKE TENNAY asks TAZZ about JOEY RYAN
People are buzzing about it. Mike asks Tazz if he has any second thoughts. Tazz loves Joey’s character. Hanging out on Twitter and Youtube doesn’t make you better it makes you popular.

BACKSTAGE PROMO with JOEY RYAN (interesting)
Last week Joey was backstage cutting a promo on Tazz so Al Snow swoops in and tells Joey to check himself. Joey doesn’t, so Al Snow escorts him out. I’m sure that wasn’t Joey Ryan’s character that was just him venting. TNA was and wasn’t stupid not to take him. They were stupid, because the fans wanted it and he’s a ten year vet with talent and a great character that would be awesome in TNA. The good reason they didn’t take him is apparently he’s a jerk.

TV TITLE >> DEVON vs ROBBIE E (adding interest with more players)
The feud that will not die. Backstage before the match, Garrett says he’ll have Devon’s back if Devon will let him. Yep. Brief they’re really trying to put over Garrett. They’ll tag up at the PPV. This is the same match that its been for the last 3 months. It hasn’t gotten better or worse. Luckily Maddisson Rayne shows up to look on, making this match watchable. Logically I’d give Decon a clean win, then give Robbie & Rob Terry a cheat victory at the PPV when Maddisson Rayne helps them. Why have Cookie with Robbie E when you can have Rayne. Hilarious spot where there’s a small package and the giant Rob Terry sneaks into the ring and rolls them over so Devon is getting pinned.

HULK HOGAN ANNOUCEMENT (again)
He was getting ready to make a monster annoucement before he got interrupted… so Hogan gets interrupted again by Mr. Anderson. Why not have a match at the PPV. Ken Anderson vs Jeff Hardy. Again! The same match its been even back in the WWE for years and years! He introduces himself before he comes down. Uggg… Why is this guy back. There’s no room for him. Put him on Xplosion. I can tell Hogan really doesn’t want to hear from him. Hogan invites RVD to come down. So why not have a 3 way? They’re forgetting about Jeff Hardy… so far. And yep, Jeff Hardy is called down. I’d have these three guys go over in 3 singles matches, then have a 3 way at the PPV with the winner getting a title shot on Impact. He announces a three way at Slammiversary. Yep. I predict Jeff Hardy to win. Peel RVD off into a feud with Aries and Kennedy can go after Crimson.

SIX MAN TAG >> ROODE & KAZ & DANIELS vs STING & KURT ANGLE & AJ STYLES
AJ left earlier… and he stayed gone, which is great. 2 on 3 match. I’d rather see 2 on 3 than waste 2 PPV matches in one. Sting comes out with some weird purple jacket. Sting now wears black with blue ring attire. He quickly puts the scorpion death lock on Daniels. A terrible death lock and Angle puts the ankle lock on KAZ. Bam that should have been the match. Victory to the faces, but then the heels should get on the mic and demand it get restarted and it would be.

I remember when Daniels had a feud with Sting. I’m not sure if they actually had a match or not. That was a few years ago. Pretty quick match, but there was a lot of energy.

PROS

  • The interest of Austin Aries vs Crimson
  • Brooke Hogan and Velvet’s announcement of being in a music video (I’m surprised its a pro)
  • Joseph Park & Bully Ray
  • Using Joey Ryan without giving him a contract

CONS

  • Crowd killing opening angle
  • Someone specific losing
  • Roode & Sting with Hogan did nothing to make me want to see them.
  • I’ve seen the same knockout’s match in tag or three way form for a year or two
  • Didn’t make me want to see Slamiversary

Everything Right with TNA Impact (05/17/12)

TNA RECAP (good work)
Word on the street is that TNA Sacrifice was a good show. TNA opens by recapping a few of its biggest angles. Roode being dominant, AJ having pictures, Abyss returning and so on.

ROBERT ROODE PROMO (another post PPV promo)
Roode had a big match off a hot pay-per-view in this case I do want to hear from him. Not nearly as much as I want to hear Joseph Park. Tennay plugs the fact that Robert Roode is about to beat AJ’s record for the longest TNA champ. They should really have someone challenge him on Open Fight Night one night before it becomes official. Fans boo him and Robert soaks it up by saying that’s it chant Roooooode! Roode says he’ll throw a party next week. He’ll call it celebration of domination. He calls out Hogan.

Hogan comes out to quite the pyro display for TNA. Fans politely clap for Hogan and don’t go too crazy. Robert Roode has demands. This was entertaining compared to what Roode normally does. He wants only green M&Ms and golden confetti flown from Canada… Hogan says Robert Roode put the company back on track by holding the title. He may have put the company back on track… but he didn’t set it on fire.

Hogan announces Roode to have a title defence at Open Fight Night. Nice. Hogan took a pole and asked who wanted a title shot. The entire locker room comes out on the stage lead by Bully Ray. Puts a lot of heat on the title. Hogan needs only 4. RVD vs Bully Ray. Jeff Hardy vs Ken Anderson. Jeff Hardy looks insane. Kurt Angle vs Samoa Joe. Dizamn I’m impressed with that match. The rest of the guys are put in a Wild Card Battle Royal.

I really love this. The entire show is built and leads into next week’s show. Brilliant. Hope Aries wins the battle royal.

BULLY RAY vs RVD (good opener)
The fans were into this match with plenty of claps and firmly behind RVD. Tough to grow as a company with such a small arena. The fans are hot there over the past few months. Bully Ray manages his own 3D. Nothing wrong with this match. Could have used more in crowd brawling and chairs, but I don’t think people want long matches.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE w/ JOSEPH PARK (brief & logical)
Afterward Bully Ray cuts a promo on the Kardashians. Joseph Park appears and provokes in the way that he does. Bully Ray tells him to stay away.

KING MO TALK SHOW (meh)
TNA has plugged the signing of King Mo throughout the show. Now this is their segment to hype that. Then they throw to a talk show with Dixie and Bellator president. TNA and Bellator signed him. I didn’t like this because it wasn’t a recap it was a segment from a talk show. Its just to promote Bellator and that MMA talkshow. Dixie made it seem like it was her idea to sign a MMA guy.

GAIL KIM & RAYNE BACKSTAGE (not as bad as it could be)
Gail is concerned about her triple threat tonight. Rayne is concerned about her mystery man. Rayne disappears. Brooke & Velvet appear to politely threaten Gail. This wasn’t bad. Normally it is.

WILD CARD BATTLE ROYAL (AJ, Gunner & Aries)
Aries appears first so TNA recaps his win over Bully Ray. ODB and Eric Young eliminate Crimson quickly. Aries eliminates Magnus. Rayne appears to look on. Interesting. I hope its Robbie E. Rob Terry is really trying to eliminate Garrett until Terry is thrown over by Robbie E. Devon throws out Robbie E. Garrett Bischoff outsmarts Devon who goes over the top. AJ then throws out Garrett. Aries and AJ face off. Interesting combination. I smell a great match if not fantastic match. Gunner is selling in the corner. Good battle royal, Tazz sells it as the best battle royal he’s seen in his life.

IMPACT GOES LIVE
Interesting. I doubt it will do much for their ratings.

KAZ & DANIELS RECAP
Good recap of a 3+ month angle that made no sense and still doesn’t make sense. I would have rather seen AJ in a hottub with Dixie. AJ is so squeaky clean that its unbelievable.

AJ PROMO
Fans have signs that say Dixie Styles and AJ Carter. Hilarious. I don’t see many signs, but these were worth the wait. AJ explains his side of things. Dixie is a beautiful, wealthy woman. Enter KAZ & Daniels who show off a video… on an iPad. The video doesn’t show me anything.

JOE & ANGLE RECAP VIDEO w/ BACKSTAGE SEGMENT (jump starting an old feud)
They showed the history of Joe. It was nice. Then they have a backstage segment that ends in a pull apart. TNA does an ok job of jumpstarting a dead feud instead of going into a new feud with them.

MR. ANDERSON BACKSTAGE (not annoying)
He is on an iPad looking at his match with Jeff Hardy. Jeff may have kicked out… I guess.

MR. ANDERSON vs JEFF HARDY
Commentators plug that Mr. Anderson and Dixie Carter will actually be in a movie / documentary with Morgan Spurlock. Its good they mention it but they needed to be a 1 minute segment. Jeff gives hugs to the fans. I’ve had no interest in this match for years. But the thought of a title shot puts heat on this match.

Jeff Hardy tries a low dropkick to the outside, Mr. Anderson catches Hardy and throws him back down to the mat. This was a good spot. There was a good pin that you don’t see very often.

KNOCKOUT TITLE >> GAIL KIM vs VELVET SKYE vs BROOKE TESSMOCHER (suggestive)
Brooke has very nice ring attire with an interesting robe. One of Gail Kim’s boot straps are hanging off. 2 faces vs 1 heel… until the heel disappears, then the faces go at it. Good submission on submission spots straight out of WWE in the late 90s. Velvet does a terrible ‘In Yo Face,’ followed by a very sexually suggestive pin.

TNA HYPE VIDEO
It was a great video with tons of crazy spots. Its funny how they say unforgettable moments, but a lot of them were forgettable except for Jarrett guitar shotting Hogan and Joe headbutting Angle. Maybe I have that backward.

JOE vs ANGLE
They’re really trying to jump start this feud again all the recaps, all of the history of Joe himself. Smells like build for Joe vs King Mo and the obvious Angle vs King Mo. Crowd is firmly behing Angle instead of both. Robert Roode appears for guest commentary. He puts over Angle and mentions their own history at last year’s Slammiversary. I thought Roode did a better job on commentary than Tazz.

Good match, but not as legendary as their past matches, but how could it be? End of the show has Jeff Hardy coming out, then Bully Ray and AJ Stylez.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/26/12)

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT PREMISE (still a terrible idea)
So last week Hulk Hogan announced Open Fight Night that will happen once a month where anyone can challenge anyone and they need to fight. Fight? I swore they wrestle and open challenge? I swore that’s what they do every week. Another gimmick of this is that some non TNA worker gets a shot in front of three judges. This is called Gut Check and there are three judges. This is a bad idea, because it puts a spice of reality in an unreal world.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ CHAMPS
First of all this backstage segment looks like its shot with tunnel vision. It also makes your champions look like crap because its 1 man as the center of attention and that 1 man isn’t a champion. Hogan baits people into thinking its Roode, but then says its Joe & Magnus. Then gives ideas as to who it will be… but confirms nothing.

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT OPENING
New Opening for Open Fight Night. Good intro, looks different than most wrestling companies. Looks very MMA. The arena even looks

TV TITLE MATCH >>DEVONvs BUBBA (BULLY RAY) (too good for the TV title)
I swore TNA can’t call him Bubba. Anyway,Devoncalls out Bubba. This isn’t a good idea and they need to stay apart. Bully Ray is backstage with the TNA crew. It looks like the locker room is now a box with posters and wrestlers. A simple box. This looks unique and silly at the same time. Bully Ray deniesDevon’s challenge. Funny I thought they needed to accept challenges.Devongets him and there’s a brawl. Ring bell starts before both men are in the ring. That’s like a football game starting before anyone is on the field.

Not sure I like a main eventer going for a low end title. At least it gives Bully Ray a fresh match. Decent match, but they both could do better.

KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE w/ KURT ANGLE (quick and painless)
KAZ & Daniels wearing Impact Wrestling T-shirts and Angle hints at a face turn. This was kept less than a minute. It’s all good… except for Kurt turning face again. He’ll be a heel again before the end of the year. 

JEREMY BORRASH CALLS OUT… (an exercise in what not to do)
Open Fight Night isn’t just for the wrestlers… Jeremy Borash calls out Eric Bischoff. Good idea. TNA has peaked my interest more with this than months of Eric vs Garrett. Borrash in a suit makes a challenge like a news caster with lots of … gravitas.

Bischoff comes out and distracts so Bully Ray can low blow him. Gunner should have done this, but whatever. Christie Hemme has the most hilariously bad and your winner is….

TNA SPRING CLEANING SALE
I like these commercials that actually sell merchandise. Instead of the old knockout commercials.

MEXICAN AMERICA OPEN CHALLENGE (kept quick)
Backstage Mr. Anderson is interviewed and you can hear Mexican America’s music. When Mexican America is shown, they cut to backstage eventually with TNA’s roster looking around. Kurt Angle accepts, making him a face. Yep.

KURT ANGLE vs ANARCHYA (quick & painless)
I predict Angle. He shouldn’t sell at all and should just instantly take out Anarchya. Then take out Hernandez. Badabing. Match is over in around 15 seconds.

ALEX SYLVIA’S STORY (good story)
Good story tied to his father. Al Snow interview, clips from Alex’s matches, he captured the OVW TV championship. Al Snow brings Alex to the ring. Alex has a good look, but not a main event look. Al kisses ass, which is a good thing. From his look alone would fit him into the X-Division.

GUT CHECK >> ALEX SYLVIA vs ROBBIE E (should have been X-Division)
I saw this coming. Robbie E is the bottom of the barrel and if this was last year Robbie E would be on Gut Check. Al Snow on guest commentary, I hope it’s not as terrible as he used to be on Sunday Night Heat. Baba-ga-noosh.

The size difference between Robbie E and Alex is noticeable. They should have had an X-Division guy out there, especially since TNA doesn’t have any X-Division matches for the past month or so. This was a meh match and I think that I saw more winded in Alex than fire. Take a pass. He’s not ready and he should have been in the X-Division.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ TAG TEAMS (Daniels makes lemonade)
KAZ & Daniels, Eric & ODB, MotorCity Machine Guns, Jeff Hardy & Mr. Anderson. Hogan asks for reasons why the teams should get a tag title shot. Christopher Daniels has great reasons that laugh at the other teams. MotorCity Machine Guns have a good reason, just not as good as Daniels & KAZ. To be honest, Hogan should have brought out the teams and just had the audience vote. No Mexican America, no Robbie E & Rob Terry, no CrimMorgan… not that they’re a team.

BROOKE TESSMOCHER CHALLENGES GAIN KIM (Brooke is the best Knockout promo)
Surprisingly she cuts the best promo out of any woman. He’s not yelling bitch, she’s not screaming, she’s not obnoxious.

GAIL KIM vs BROOKE TESSMACHER (slow and plodding)
Brooke got the pin last week in the 8 woman tag. The crowd was into this match at some points, but pretty silent at others. Maybe they were paying attention. This felt slow with a lot of Brooke selling. Gail Kim does trash talking in the match. I see Gail Kim losing here and yep. So I guess this isn’t for the Knockout’s title? Whatever. Gail will win when it counts.

RVD VIDEO GOING TO SACRIFICE (meh)
It’s nice, it shows him training. It doesn’t make me want to see Robert Roode vs RVD.

AL SNOW & ALEX SYLVIA BACKSTAGE interrupted by ROBERT ROODE
He cuts down the young talent. This Alex Sylvia is the next Crimson. Maybe TNA didn’t let him shine, but he was pretty forgettable.

JOSEPH PARK with JOSEPH PARK
Bully Ray knows who he is. Wow. Joseph is huge. He’s awesome especially now that its going somewhere. Wow Bully Ray has a new shirt. Joseph Park shows a small laugh that makes me think Abyss.

WHO GETS THE TAG TITLE SHOT? (fans should have chosen)
It’s all down to KAZ & Daniels or Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. I would rather KAZ & Daniels win… but not go over Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. Hogan should just make them have a match to see who gets a title shot that night immediately following the match. Then you can job out the winners to the tag champs and make a match at the PPV.

TAG TITLES >> SAMOA JOE & BRUTIS MAGNUS vs MR. ANDERSON & JEFF HARDY
Wow four guys that don’t seem to be tag wrestlers thrown into tag teams. A few minutes in there is a commercial break. There’s been a few of these in the matches. This match was good at showing off Magnus & Joe. After the match KAZ & Daniels attack Joe & Magnus. I see a pay-per-view match.

ERIC BISCHOFF FAREWELL CERIMONY
All throughout Open Fight Night, they’ve been showing backstage interviews with workers asking them about Eric Bischoff. Flair comes out with Gunner, KAZ, Daniels and Bully Ray. Wow Bully Ray was all over this show. Maybe even too much. KAZ & Daniels were all over this show too, just in the last segment. I don’t think they should be out for this segment since they just ran out.

Flair does a speech. The fans sing Goodbye. Eric Bischoff comes out and sits down in his throne. I really thing their setup should have been done on the stage… because no one is facing the crowd. There’s some mongloid in the crowd wearing a hat that makes me laugh. Flair’s speech was pretty dull. The crowd was bored so they chanted. Gunner thanks Eric. Bully Ray gives Eric a retirement watch and says he’s the wind beneath his wings.

This gets interrupted by Garrett with Jeremy Borash, AJ, RVD, MotorCity Machine Guns. Jeremy Borash says Eric will be inducted into the shed of shame. I like how Eric Bischoff leaves a company and he gets thrown away. The heels rush the faces but all the heels just breeze by Garrett…. So he can headlock and drag his dad into the shed of shame and lock it. The shed of shame is a porta-potty and then it’s tipped over. Apparently there’s stuff in it. Bischoff comes out covered in yucky.

Show ends. Barely any Roode. What?

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/12/12)

ERIC BISCHOFF OPENS IMPACT (Team Eric is revealed)
The fans are firmly against Eric Bischoff and he loves it and they love it too. He welcomes his team which consists of Bully Ray, Gunner, KAZ & Christopher Daniels. Good team, but I thought Bully Ray was busy for Lock Down. Bully Ray cuts a promo and laughs at Garrett. I’ve pointed it out before and I’ll point it out again, this is like Poochie the Dog on the Simpsons… where if Poochie isn’t on screen, everyone should be talking about him, just like Garrett. The crowd wants AJ. We want AJ. Push AJ please, stop oppressing him to push James Storm, AJ can make TNA money.

Garrett appears, complete with his logo behind him that reads… Garrett… Bischoff… Garrett Bischoff. Wow. He announces Mr. Anderson is on his team.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (effective at selling merch)
TNA actually decided to sell some merchandise with this commercial. I’m happy. The voice even kind of sounded like Don West. Kind of…

BEST OF THREE SERIES >>ANDERSONvs GUNNER (andAnderson’s no lose contract)
There is some best of three series to announce who has the one man advantage at Lockdown. I’m happy this 8 man match involves guys who aren’t main eventers. It gives your midcarders something interesting to do.

I see Gunner as the future of TNA with more in ring longevity than Garrett and Crimson. Plus Gunner has been wrestling for 10+ years already. The commentators use this as a plug fest for everything that will happen tonight. LOL what a stupid ending to this match. This past month makes me think that Mr. Anderson has something in his contract.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE (Joseph Park needs to do something)
In a 70s sky blue tuxedo. Joseph Park appears… asks about a prenuptial agreement. After Lockdown, they need to do something with Joseph Park.

MOTORCITY MACHINE GUNS PROMO (that gets no one over)
They insult Joe & Magnus (JoeNus Brothers) credentials and put over their own, such as retiring Team 3D and beating Beer Money. Unfortunately in TNA all tag teams have beaten one another. Enter Joe & Magnus, the face heels. This was basic, no frills, lacking energy, but with passion.

Enter Mexican America that get beat down. Dull. When it’s all said and done no one is over.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> DANIELS vs ARIES (effectively putting over Aries)
Should be a five star match if this was WCW, but since this is TNA I give it one star. That’s my prediction anyway. The crowd is firmly pro Aries and anti Daniels. Minutes into the match and there are great acrobatics, counters and risky maneuvers. The fans chant this is wrestling.

This was a great and effective match at putting over Aries. Daniels didn’t look too bad either.

JEFF HARDY PROMO (a waste of time)
I hate his music. Can’t even tell it’s him coming out and he’s had this music a while now. This theme is still better than his last TNA theme that he wrote and sang himself. In the background, TNA is constructing a cage for the upcoming Eric Young and ODB wedding. Jeff mentions how it all started with Kurt how he cost him the world title… no he prevented you from winning. Jeff Hardy is very meh on the microphone and just gets cheap pops by screaming into the microphone.

JAMES STORM BACKSTAGE PROMO w/ MONTGUMARY GENTRY
James is angry. That’s it. Gentry says Sorry bout your damn luck.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE
Is interrupted by Sarita and Rosita. Apparently they want the Knockouts Tag Team Titles. You know Eric Young has so many things going on. Joe Parks, a wedding, Knockouts Tag Team Titles.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB WEDDING (the kill-pace)
Eric Young will soon be having a fishing show on Animal Planet. TNA doesn’t mention that. I also think it is strange Animal Planet would have a fishing show. Very classy setup… too bad it is ruined by a steel cage. Too bad TNA isn’t saying for the first time ever, a wedding in a steel cage. They tease ODB not showing up and the fans boo. Then her music hits and she appears in a cammo wedding dress and plenty of makeup. ODB locks the cage once she enters. Perfect metaphore.

They shows a video of the past 3 months they’ve been together. Plenty of dirty moments and face in cleavage. They say their vows that involve farting, slapping ass and taking Eric’s ring music.

Rosita and Sarita appear and call ODB a beast. She actually gets a tear from this. Rosita strips. This segment really drags. Sarita strips. Wow this was stupid. ODB points out she doesn’t have what those girls have. The priest helps ODB strip. I’d pick ODB if you like abnormally large implants. Then Eric Young strips and Tazz is confused. The fans chant this is sexy… ODB forces the priest to strip. Wow. So now they’re married it is ODB Young. Then they instantly cut to:

RIC FLAIR PEP TALK TO BULLY RAY
It is good. Then Ric Flair mentions Hulk-a-mania falls apart today. What? Maybe because Hulk made this team match at Lockdown. Eh.

ROBERT ROODE BACKSTAGE PROMO WITH HENCHMEN
This was meh less than half a minute. It gets him on TV.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> BULLY RAY vs AJ STYLEZ (best match of the show)
On paper this 8 man match doesn’t look bad. Both teams circle the ring. We haven’t seen AJ vs Bully in a while after their big feud maybe 2 years ago that ended with a kick to the butt. Good tight match with both guys getting treated like stars. Eventually it devolves into an outside brawl. Good win by the winner.

Hulk Hogan appears strutting to the ring, clapping as he always does. Then he announces five on five at Lockdown. Guess it. Guess who it is. I think the fans are chanting Sid. Instead of being who I thought it was a legitimate good shock. Kudos to you TNA.

ROODE vs STORM VIDEO (fails to hit the mark)
Meh video, they’ve had better ones. This was a video from Robert Roode to James Storm recapping the last 6 months. Unfortunately I’m not into this match still, because they’ve had it too many times and had too many interactions. I guess they should be hyping up James Storm winning the TNA title again.

MADISON RAYNE & GAIL KIM vs MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKYE (typical women’s tag)
Velvet looks like a blow-up-doll as usual, but hey some women consider that a compliment. I feel like this match should have been in the middle of the card, because I’m burnt out already. Shockingly, Velvet really shined in this match, she did most of the work and did it compliantly. Good job.

JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE ANGLE (and it still doesn’t make me care)
I’m tired of watching TNA for this week, because they had the main event a few segments ago and they’re capping it off with an angle. So these two Roode and Storm have had so many interactions and so many matches that involve one another, tag matches, singles matches, four ways that I have no interest in seeing the main event. Everything TNA tries to do to hype it up, doesn’t make me want to see it more even if it is in a steel cage… you know what else is in a steel cage? Crimson & Morgan. Steel cage doesn’t matter since every other match is in a steel cage.

Both men mention Beer Money and the past including the Bound for Glory Series. Both had interesting things to say. My interest really drifted, because we’ve heard all of this before months ago. I think a guy like Roode needs the top title to keep his steam and once he loses it he won’t be nearly as noticeable. Oh and the show ends with both men forehead to forehead pushing each other’s shifting noses and it was just funny.