Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/12/12)

ERIC BISCHOFF OPENS IMPACT (Team Eric is revealed)
The fans are firmly against Eric Bischoff and he loves it and they love it too. He welcomes his team which consists of Bully Ray, Gunner, KAZ & Christopher Daniels. Good team, but I thought Bully Ray was busy for Lock Down. Bully Ray cuts a promo and laughs at Garrett. I’ve pointed it out before and I’ll point it out again, this is like Poochie the Dog on the Simpsons… where if Poochie isn’t on screen, everyone should be talking about him, just like Garrett. The crowd wants AJ. We want AJ. Push AJ please, stop oppressing him to push James Storm, AJ can make TNA money.

Garrett appears, complete with his logo behind him that reads… Garrett… Bischoff… Garrett Bischoff. Wow. He announces Mr. Anderson is on his team.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (effective at selling merch)
TNA actually decided to sell some merchandise with this commercial. I’m happy. The voice even kind of sounded like Don West. Kind of…

BEST OF THREE SERIES >>ANDERSONvs GUNNER (andAnderson’s no lose contract)
There is some best of three series to announce who has the one man advantage at Lockdown. I’m happy this 8 man match involves guys who aren’t main eventers. It gives your midcarders something interesting to do.

I see Gunner as the future of TNA with more in ring longevity than Garrett and Crimson. Plus Gunner has been wrestling for 10+ years already. The commentators use this as a plug fest for everything that will happen tonight. LOL what a stupid ending to this match. This past month makes me think that Mr. Anderson has something in his contract.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE (Joseph Park needs to do something)
In a 70s sky blue tuxedo. Joseph Park appears… asks about a prenuptial agreement. After Lockdown, they need to do something with Joseph Park.

MOTORCITY MACHINE GUNS PROMO (that gets no one over)
They insult Joe & Magnus (JoeNus Brothers) credentials and put over their own, such as retiring Team 3D and beating Beer Money. Unfortunately in TNA all tag teams have beaten one another. Enter Joe & Magnus, the face heels. This was basic, no frills, lacking energy, but with passion.

Enter Mexican America that get beat down. Dull. When it’s all said and done no one is over.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> DANIELS vs ARIES (effectively putting over Aries)
Should be a five star match if this was WCW, but since this is TNA I give it one star. That’s my prediction anyway. The crowd is firmly pro Aries and anti Daniels. Minutes into the match and there are great acrobatics, counters and risky maneuvers. The fans chant this is wrestling.

This was a great and effective match at putting over Aries. Daniels didn’t look too bad either.

JEFF HARDY PROMO (a waste of time)
I hate his music. Can’t even tell it’s him coming out and he’s had this music a while now. This theme is still better than his last TNA theme that he wrote and sang himself. In the background, TNA is constructing a cage for the upcoming Eric Young and ODB wedding. Jeff mentions how it all started with Kurt how he cost him the world title… no he prevented you from winning. Jeff Hardy is very meh on the microphone and just gets cheap pops by screaming into the microphone.

JAMES STORM BACKSTAGE PROMO w/ MONTGUMARY GENTRY
James is angry. That’s it. Gentry says Sorry bout your damn luck.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE
Is interrupted by Sarita and Rosita. Apparently they want the Knockouts Tag Team Titles. You know Eric Young has so many things going on. Joe Parks, a wedding, Knockouts Tag Team Titles.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB WEDDING (the kill-pace)
Eric Young will soon be having a fishing show on Animal Planet. TNA doesn’t mention that. I also think it is strange Animal Planet would have a fishing show. Very classy setup… too bad it is ruined by a steel cage. Too bad TNA isn’t saying for the first time ever, a wedding in a steel cage. They tease ODB not showing up and the fans boo. Then her music hits and she appears in a cammo wedding dress and plenty of makeup. ODB locks the cage once she enters. Perfect metaphore.

They shows a video of the past 3 months they’ve been together. Plenty of dirty moments and face in cleavage. They say their vows that involve farting, slapping ass and taking Eric’s ring music.

Rosita and Sarita appear and call ODB a beast. She actually gets a tear from this. Rosita strips. This segment really drags. Sarita strips. Wow this was stupid. ODB points out she doesn’t have what those girls have. The priest helps ODB strip. I’d pick ODB if you like abnormally large implants. Then Eric Young strips and Tazz is confused. The fans chant this is sexy… ODB forces the priest to strip. Wow. So now they’re married it is ODB Young. Then they instantly cut to:

RIC FLAIR PEP TALK TO BULLY RAY
It is good. Then Ric Flair mentions Hulk-a-mania falls apart today. What? Maybe because Hulk made this team match at Lockdown. Eh.

ROBERT ROODE BACKSTAGE PROMO WITH HENCHMEN
This was meh less than half a minute. It gets him on TV.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> BULLY RAY vs AJ STYLEZ (best match of the show)
On paper this 8 man match doesn’t look bad. Both teams circle the ring. We haven’t seen AJ vs Bully in a while after their big feud maybe 2 years ago that ended with a kick to the butt. Good tight match with both guys getting treated like stars. Eventually it devolves into an outside brawl. Good win by the winner.

Hulk Hogan appears strutting to the ring, clapping as he always does. Then he announces five on five at Lockdown. Guess it. Guess who it is. I think the fans are chanting Sid. Instead of being who I thought it was a legitimate good shock. Kudos to you TNA.

ROODE vs STORM VIDEO (fails to hit the mark)
Meh video, they’ve had better ones. This was a video from Robert Roode to James Storm recapping the last 6 months. Unfortunately I’m not into this match still, because they’ve had it too many times and had too many interactions. I guess they should be hyping up James Storm winning the TNA title again.

MADISON RAYNE & GAIL KIM vs MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKYE (typical women’s tag)
Velvet looks like a blow-up-doll as usual, but hey some women consider that a compliment. I feel like this match should have been in the middle of the card, because I’m burnt out already. Shockingly, Velvet really shined in this match, she did most of the work and did it compliantly. Good job.

JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE ANGLE (and it still doesn’t make me care)
I’m tired of watching TNA for this week, because they had the main event a few segments ago and they’re capping it off with an angle. So these two Roode and Storm have had so many interactions and so many matches that involve one another, tag matches, singles matches, four ways that I have no interest in seeing the main event. Everything TNA tries to do to hype it up, doesn’t make me want to see it more even if it is in a steel cage… you know what else is in a steel cage? Crimson & Morgan. Steel cage doesn’t matter since every other match is in a steel cage.

Both men mention Beer Money and the past including the Bound for Glory Series. Both had interesting things to say. My interest really drifted, because we’ve heard all of this before months ago. I think a guy like Roode needs the top title to keep his steam and once he loses it he won’t be nearly as noticeable. Oh and the show ends with both men forehead to forehead pushing each other’s shifting noses and it was just funny.

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