Tag Archives: Garrett Bischoff

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should be) (in my mind) (06/07/12)

TNA IMPACT OPENING with DIXIE LAST WEEK
They recap what happened last week and then show what happened off the air. Dixie is angry marching to the production truck. Hopefully the AJ / Dixie angle doesn’t turn out to be a surprise birthday party for Serge her husband. TNA said that we’d be going backstage more and more.

DIXIE IN THE RING (heat killer)
She’s all teary eyed. Dixie feels sorry for Christopher Daniels and KAZ that they’d be so sad as to do this. So Dixie is gonna tell the truth! Enter Daniels and KAZ. Daniels has his hand taped. His hand or fingers. Daniels REALLY should have been the one to shave KAZ’s head. Be like me KAZ, be like me! We are one as a tag team. That didn’t happen. Daniels and KAZ look like jobbers wearing Slammiversary T-shirts and they don’t even carry the tag belts. Daniels harasses her. Its nice. Dixie starts trying to bash him, Kaz gives her a nice push to the corner. AJ came in for the save. This isn’t gold, I’m not sure how much heat it has. Serge comes in. He helps his wife and looks angry at AJ Stylez. Serge clocks AJ. They are going into good territory with this, but since its AJ its still unbelievable. The fans are chanting Photo-Shop? Serge leaves them, and AJ walks Dixie out. Well that’s a crowd killer.

It is soon announced AJ & Dixie left the building, but he’s in a six man tag main event!

AUSTIN ARIES & SAMOA JOE BACKSTAGE
Very briefly Joe has an issue with him. Its too brief to get heat.

THE STREAK >> CRIMSON vs AUSTIN ARIES (uh boy)
Crimson issues an open challenge for the PPV. Fight him and lose! Then screams Undefeated!

I still want to point out Crimson was pinned as a tag champion. If anyone on the TNA roster should beat Crimson, it should be Austin Aries. If anyone can get a good match out of Crimson it is Austin Aries. The crowd is behind Aries. But with Joe and Aries having an issue just before the match, that might telegraph the winner. It didn’t last week.

BROOKE BACKSTAGE w/ FACE KNOCKOUTS (surprisingly good)
Look at these outfits! Look at these bodies! They’re more beautiful in person! She’s clearly a face. A man of a face. She puts Velvet, Mickie James, Brooke and Tara into a four way. Why does Brooke look older than these girls when she’s probably the youngest? Brooke mentions that she’s getting them media opperunities. If that’s true, cool. Montgumery Gentry wants Velvet for a music video. Mickie James subtly looks pissed.

HOGAN ANNOUCEMENTS (meh build to the PPV)
Hogan comes out and announces the ten year anniversary party starts tonight end ends next week with the TNA champion having a title match next week on Impact. Then Robert Roode comes out, starts talking, gets interrupted, but Robert Roode is never done talking. It was a good verbal assault… if they’re planning Hogan vs Roode. He puts his hands on Hogan. Sting appears. Roode beats down Sting who just gets back up. Sting sells nothing. Then Robert Roode gets sent out of the ring.

Robert Roode wears a new IT Factor T-shirt that looks terrible and generic. They really could have had some more IT Factor in the IT Factor T-shirt. In other words, that’s not a shirt I’d buy or anyone else.

JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE
He can’t believe what he’s doing. Good character. To brief to be great, but this was good for the 30 seconds it was.

#1 CONTENDER >> MICKIE JAMES vs VELVET SKYE vs BROOKE TESSMOCHER vs TARA (seen these women in this match combination too many times)
Brooke Tessmocher is from Houston, TX and the PPV is in TX. Give her the knockout victory in her home state. All faces… except for Mickie who is about to turn. Gail appears soon after the match starts. Gail on commentary says she’s beaten all four. Gail Kim is the longest running Knockouts champ. Along with every other major title holder. Thank goth Gail is on commentary, because this match is so dull and burnt out that I forget there’s a match going on. There is a good spot where all 4 women are involved in submissions. I remember when WWE did similar things 10 years ago. Tara does a top rope moonsault instead of a standing one. Very impressive and graceful, unlike Lita’s.

Eventually former tag partners Brooke & Tara fight. The work starts getting sloppy toward the end. Like someone will get hurt kind of sloppy.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE (voice is out of sync?)
Strange the voice is out of sync. He’s got a contract for Joseph Park.

HOGAN BACKSTAGE ON THE PHONE
You get here AJ! Grrr…

BULLY RAY & JOSEPH PARK CONTRACT SIGNING w/ JEREMY BORASH (interesting and entertaining)
This has been a good 3+ month storyline. It would be a good one off match and they might want to do this with non wrestlers. Have them appear 3 months and do one match before disappearing. Do that 4x a year with various people and you can really keep them fresh. Like Robert Roode vs his old friend in spring, Bully vs Joseph in summer, AJ vs Serge in fall, ODB vs the Wedding Planner in winter. Very easy to do.

Bully has a good shirt. Some sort of parody on the Jack Daniels bottle. Joseph Park comes out with no music, but he is not a wrestler. He’s good at not knowing how to get in the ring. He’s good at being clueless. The fans want tables. Bully starts by tearing up the contract. Bully Ray pulls his special contract out that protects him from liability. Joseph Park isn’t crazy enough to do that. The fans cheer him surprisingly. Abyss should come out and sign it then… but that’s not the match. Bully Ray spits in his face. Joseph cuts a promo about his brother who spilt his blood and gave his body. He’ll sign for his brother Chris. If this means Abyss has retired and Joseph needs to wrestle now.

Abyss appears on the big screen. He’s not happy with Joseph. Abyss does some good work, even gets a shock from the crowd. Gold… for such a weird plotline. Bully Ray attacks Joseph. Great segment.

MIKE TENNAY asks TAZZ about JOEY RYAN
People are buzzing about it. Mike asks Tazz if he has any second thoughts. Tazz loves Joey’s character. Hanging out on Twitter and Youtube doesn’t make you better it makes you popular.

BACKSTAGE PROMO with JOEY RYAN (interesting)
Last week Joey was backstage cutting a promo on Tazz so Al Snow swoops in and tells Joey to check himself. Joey doesn’t, so Al Snow escorts him out. I’m sure that wasn’t Joey Ryan’s character that was just him venting. TNA was and wasn’t stupid not to take him. They were stupid, because the fans wanted it and he’s a ten year vet with talent and a great character that would be awesome in TNA. The good reason they didn’t take him is apparently he’s a jerk.

TV TITLE >> DEVON vs ROBBIE E (adding interest with more players)
The feud that will not die. Backstage before the match, Garrett says he’ll have Devon’s back if Devon will let him. Yep. Brief they’re really trying to put over Garrett. They’ll tag up at the PPV. This is the same match that its been for the last 3 months. It hasn’t gotten better or worse. Luckily Maddisson Rayne shows up to look on, making this match watchable. Logically I’d give Decon a clean win, then give Robbie & Rob Terry a cheat victory at the PPV when Maddisson Rayne helps them. Why have Cookie with Robbie E when you can have Rayne. Hilarious spot where there’s a small package and the giant Rob Terry sneaks into the ring and rolls them over so Devon is getting pinned.

HULK HOGAN ANNOUCEMENT (again)
He was getting ready to make a monster annoucement before he got interrupted… so Hogan gets interrupted again by Mr. Anderson. Why not have a match at the PPV. Ken Anderson vs Jeff Hardy. Again! The same match its been even back in the WWE for years and years! He introduces himself before he comes down. Uggg… Why is this guy back. There’s no room for him. Put him on Xplosion. I can tell Hogan really doesn’t want to hear from him. Hogan invites RVD to come down. So why not have a 3 way? They’re forgetting about Jeff Hardy… so far. And yep, Jeff Hardy is called down. I’d have these three guys go over in 3 singles matches, then have a 3 way at the PPV with the winner getting a title shot on Impact. He announces a three way at Slammiversary. Yep. I predict Jeff Hardy to win. Peel RVD off into a feud with Aries and Kennedy can go after Crimson.

SIX MAN TAG >> ROODE & KAZ & DANIELS vs STING & KURT ANGLE & AJ STYLES
AJ left earlier… and he stayed gone, which is great. 2 on 3 match. I’d rather see 2 on 3 than waste 2 PPV matches in one. Sting comes out with some weird purple jacket. Sting now wears black with blue ring attire. He quickly puts the scorpion death lock on Daniels. A terrible death lock and Angle puts the ankle lock on KAZ. Bam that should have been the match. Victory to the faces, but then the heels should get on the mic and demand it get restarted and it would be.

I remember when Daniels had a feud with Sting. I’m not sure if they actually had a match or not. That was a few years ago. Pretty quick match, but there was a lot of energy.

PROS

  • The interest of Austin Aries vs Crimson
  • Brooke Hogan and Velvet’s announcement of being in a music video (I’m surprised its a pro)
  • Joseph Park & Bully Ray
  • Using Joey Ryan without giving him a contract

CONS

  • Crowd killing opening angle
  • Someone specific losing
  • Roode & Sting with Hogan did nothing to make me want to see them.
  • I’ve seen the same knockout’s match in tag or three way form for a year or two
  • Didn’t make me want to see Slamiversary
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Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (05/25/12)

HOGAN BACKSTAGE with AJ STYLES / KURT ANGLE / JEFF HARDY / BULLY RAY (kicking off with Celebrity Apprentice)
Hulk Hogan shows Bully Ray, AJ Stylez, Kurt Angle and someone else the format sheet for TNA Impact. What a horrible segment. This was just a psudo reality show with backstage drama. Very stupid, counter productive. I’m sure that soap operas and legitimate sports don’t show behind the scenes with a fake reality show. Kurt Angle questions the value of Robert Roode to being the longest running champion. AJ Styles questions a gold medal. Angle says he’s won more titles, Bully Ray says more singles titles. Bully has won more gold, but not single, but its a singles match.

Bully wonders why he needs to convince Hogan. He’s worked 20 years and he’s the most legit guy, old school wrestler. And that’s true… if Angle wasn’t in the room.

This felt like a rip off of Celebrity Apprentice only a few were sitting others were standing. They all bring forth interesting and good points. Jeff Hardy looks crazy he says nothing but then he says let the fans decide.

Nothing is decided… Lovely.

GAIL KIM PROMO with MADDISSON RAYNE (bad voice, good promo)
Gail is the most dominent Knockout’s champion. She says she built the division and she is the divisiion. Meanwhile Rayne does her makeup in the background while the rest of the locker room looks on from the back looking like chumps. Gail challenges ODB & Eric Young.

ODB & ERIC YOUNG vs GAIL KIM & RAYNE (Gail screams and man on woman violence)
Eric Young has new music? Or did I just notice this now. The Knockouts Tag Titles aren’t needed, but hey it gives a purpose for Eric Young and ODB to be seen. They don’t need to be seen. Just do pre-tapes of their life together and keep it brief. Gail screams… a lot. Reminds me of Trish Stratus selling. Scream. Scream. Louder scream. WCW would have given her this as her gimmick.

Eric & ODB fake out a double elbow drop, but Eric can’t elbow drop a woman due to Spike TV’s non violence against women. I wonder if movies on Spike TV have men hitting women.

The crowd is firmly behind ODB & Eric Young. There is a new camera shot from overhead that looked interesting. Shockingly Eric Young gives two hip tosses to women and two slams to women. Shouldn’t Spike TV be throwing a fit over this? I can’t believe fans didn’t care and saw it as a simple slam and not OMG he finally slammed a woman.

TNA SALUTES VETERANS
Mr. Anderson, Crimson, and Gunner. Hey tie this in with a TNA shopzone commercial. I don’t mind it. This was good and kills two birds with one stone.

HOGAN BACKSTAGE on the phone
Hints at someone coming.

RVD vs GUNNER (no build)
RVD has a black eye. He looks terrible. RVD challenges Gunner. Gunner should go over… but that’s not how it works when a face needs momentum off of 2 losses. RVD should go over, but I think in a company with short matches, someone like Gunner should go over until there are longer matches where RVD would be prime to go over.

Gunner should be telling RVD that I put you on the shelf for 3 months and you want to challenge me?

TV TITLE >> DEVON vs ERIC BISCHOFF (no match)
This match had one week build to it which is better than none. Devon is the experienced pro that will be the gatekeeper. He the fans want tables badly. I think that’s a subtle hate of Garrett. Robbie E & Rob Terry run in. A tag match is obvious.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE with CONTENDERS (yawn)
Yawn. I had no interest. Hogan eliminates someone. Now there are 2.

JOSEPH PARK RECAP
I love the Joseph Park recaps… because TNA faked a newscast that starts the recap.

BULLY RAY PROMO on the crowd (gold)
Bully takes his sweet time getting out there. Bully gets in the face of some hot chick in the front row that totally no sells any intimidation. ECW would have called her a skank and has security pull them apart. The commentators are worried about what Bully will do when TNA goes live next week. Bully Ray mentions Joseph Park in the crowd. There he is with popcorn. Joseph stays in character perfectly. Eventually fans chant yes. Fans continue chanting yes.

Joseph’s part of the interview is awesome. This guy is amazing. He holds a trial by the fans and asks who thinks Bully Ray is not guilty… who thinks he is guilty. This was great, it was given time.

JOEY RYAN VIDEO
Fuck yeah! This dude is awesome! He and Aries would be gold together. Give this guy a contract. Good video, even if he doesn’t have a story like his dad dying or wrestling while poor.

GUT CHECK >> AUSTIN ARIES vs JOEY RYAN
Al Snow has a suit. Looks good. Joey Ryan looked like he needed a joke. Oh and out comes Austin Aries. This match will be gold. Aries looks fantastic. Fans are firmly behind Aries. Good match. Not too great. Over too quick. Give Ryan a job. Far better than Alex Sylvia.

TNA TITLE >> ROBERT ROODE vs ??? (great story built through 2 weeks)
Hogan comes out to announce which of the 2 guys will take on Robert Roode. This was a great story told through 2 weeks. The crowd has been hot all night. They picked the right guy to take on Roode. This match felt special due to the story and build over 2 weeks.

Good match. Probably Impact’s longest match in a year.

PROS:
Going into this show it has heat because the last show built to this show.
Open Fight Night special monthly show is still fresh and buzzing.
ODB & Eric Young are over with the fans.
RVD is over with the fans.
Devon is over.
Garrett has a little storyline tacked onto Devon’s.
Joseph Park is mega over.
Joseph Park & Bully Ray segment was great.
Joey Ryan being on TNA.
Austin Aries vs Joey Ryan.
Austin Aries is mega over.
TNA title match felt special.

CONS:
Opening segment with Hulk Hogan making Celebrity Apprentice.
Gail’s Kim’s voice
Knockouts Tag Titles not on the line
No build to Gunner vs RVD after Gunner put RVD on the shelf for 3 months
Gunner not getting his heat back
Bully Ray has heat.
The return this week… instead of next week.

How to get Garrett Bischoff as a Face (the TNA challenge)

THE OBVIOUS HEEL
Garrett Bischoff is the son of legendarily hated WCW promoter / backstager Eric Bischoff. It’s a tough uphill battle to make Garrett a face even when he takes on his villain father and gets pushed as a prime guy for TNA wrestling. TNA has tried for months to put him over as a face on their Impact wrestling show, when a safer bet would have made him a shmuck goon of his evil father (like Shane McMahon) until the fans want him to turn face. Or even as a face Gunner could have injured him where he could train at TNA’s developmental territory OVW. Then he could return after his ‘injury’ with experience. There is a good upside to Garrett, a lot better than David Flair, Shane McMahon or some others that we’ve seen over the decade.

TNA WANTS THE CHALLENGE
Instead, TNA has decided to challenge themselves by making him a face. TNA was given a great story opportunity with Garrett being the real life son of Eric, but Garrett himself isn’t ready. He started as a referee for a year and then after that with zero ring experience he is now a wrestler. He has a good look that is scarred with the Bischoff name tattooed on his pec. TNA has paired him up with some of the biggest names in the company. Hulk Hogan, Rob Van Damn, AJ Styles and the MotorCity Machine Guns. He’s seems to be their vague leader, when it should be the veterans that came before him letting him be with him.

THE PROTECTOR
My idea to get him over is to  pair him with a frail and likable woman. None of the Knockouts on the roster really fit the mold, but find some chick that isn’t TNA’s inflated implant stereotype, get the most normal looking short, happy girl that they can find. Have her with Garrett…. no no not for the eye candy, not for the dating purposes, but just have her come to the ring with him for weeks on end and pep up the crowd. Then at a PPV against Gunner, Gunner can punch her right in the face. Why? Because he’s sadistic. That will upset the fans because of who her style and look is. She’s normal, you don’t do that to normal people that can’t defend themselves. Her happiness is taken away from the fans. Her average joy is no longer at the arena…. and only one man will get revenge and that’s Garrett Bischoff. Once Garrett vanquishes Gunner and the man that hired him to punch a woman Garrett will get over, because he brought the woman back and she’s why he’s there. She the non Knockout.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/26/12)

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT PREMISE (still a terrible idea)
So last week Hulk Hogan announced Open Fight Night that will happen once a month where anyone can challenge anyone and they need to fight. Fight? I swore they wrestle and open challenge? I swore that’s what they do every week. Another gimmick of this is that some non TNA worker gets a shot in front of three judges. This is called Gut Check and there are three judges. This is a bad idea, because it puts a spice of reality in an unreal world.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ CHAMPS
First of all this backstage segment looks like its shot with tunnel vision. It also makes your champions look like crap because its 1 man as the center of attention and that 1 man isn’t a champion. Hogan baits people into thinking its Roode, but then says its Joe & Magnus. Then gives ideas as to who it will be… but confirms nothing.

OPEN FIGHT NIGHT OPENING
New Opening for Open Fight Night. Good intro, looks different than most wrestling companies. Looks very MMA. The arena even looks

TV TITLE MATCH >>DEVONvs BUBBA (BULLY RAY) (too good for the TV title)
I swore TNA can’t call him Bubba. Anyway,Devoncalls out Bubba. This isn’t a good idea and they need to stay apart. Bully Ray is backstage with the TNA crew. It looks like the locker room is now a box with posters and wrestlers. A simple box. This looks unique and silly at the same time. Bully Ray deniesDevon’s challenge. Funny I thought they needed to accept challenges.Devongets him and there’s a brawl. Ring bell starts before both men are in the ring. That’s like a football game starting before anyone is on the field.

Not sure I like a main eventer going for a low end title. At least it gives Bully Ray a fresh match. Decent match, but they both could do better.

KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE w/ KURT ANGLE (quick and painless)
KAZ & Daniels wearing Impact Wrestling T-shirts and Angle hints at a face turn. This was kept less than a minute. It’s all good… except for Kurt turning face again. He’ll be a heel again before the end of the year. 

JEREMY BORRASH CALLS OUT… (an exercise in what not to do)
Open Fight Night isn’t just for the wrestlers… Jeremy Borash calls out Eric Bischoff. Good idea. TNA has peaked my interest more with this than months of Eric vs Garrett. Borrash in a suit makes a challenge like a news caster with lots of … gravitas.

Bischoff comes out and distracts so Bully Ray can low blow him. Gunner should have done this, but whatever. Christie Hemme has the most hilariously bad and your winner is….

TNA SPRING CLEANING SALE
I like these commercials that actually sell merchandise. Instead of the old knockout commercials.

MEXICAN AMERICA OPEN CHALLENGE (kept quick)
Backstage Mr. Anderson is interviewed and you can hear Mexican America’s music. When Mexican America is shown, they cut to backstage eventually with TNA’s roster looking around. Kurt Angle accepts, making him a face. Yep.

KURT ANGLE vs ANARCHYA (quick & painless)
I predict Angle. He shouldn’t sell at all and should just instantly take out Anarchya. Then take out Hernandez. Badabing. Match is over in around 15 seconds.

ALEX SYLVIA’S STORY (good story)
Good story tied to his father. Al Snow interview, clips from Alex’s matches, he captured the OVW TV championship. Al Snow brings Alex to the ring. Alex has a good look, but not a main event look. Al kisses ass, which is a good thing. From his look alone would fit him into the X-Division.

GUT CHECK >> ALEX SYLVIA vs ROBBIE E (should have been X-Division)
I saw this coming. Robbie E is the bottom of the barrel and if this was last year Robbie E would be on Gut Check. Al Snow on guest commentary, I hope it’s not as terrible as he used to be on Sunday Night Heat. Baba-ga-noosh.

The size difference between Robbie E and Alex is noticeable. They should have had an X-Division guy out there, especially since TNA doesn’t have any X-Division matches for the past month or so. This was a meh match and I think that I saw more winded in Alex than fire. Take a pass. He’s not ready and he should have been in the X-Division.

HULK HOGAN BACKSTAGE w/ TAG TEAMS (Daniels makes lemonade)
KAZ & Daniels, Eric & ODB, MotorCity Machine Guns, Jeff Hardy & Mr. Anderson. Hogan asks for reasons why the teams should get a tag title shot. Christopher Daniels has great reasons that laugh at the other teams. MotorCity Machine Guns have a good reason, just not as good as Daniels & KAZ. To be honest, Hogan should have brought out the teams and just had the audience vote. No Mexican America, no Robbie E & Rob Terry, no CrimMorgan… not that they’re a team.

BROOKE TESSMOCHER CHALLENGES GAIN KIM (Brooke is the best Knockout promo)
Surprisingly she cuts the best promo out of any woman. He’s not yelling bitch, she’s not screaming, she’s not obnoxious.

GAIL KIM vs BROOKE TESSMACHER (slow and plodding)
Brooke got the pin last week in the 8 woman tag. The crowd was into this match at some points, but pretty silent at others. Maybe they were paying attention. This felt slow with a lot of Brooke selling. Gail Kim does trash talking in the match. I see Gail Kim losing here and yep. So I guess this isn’t for the Knockout’s title? Whatever. Gail will win when it counts.

RVD VIDEO GOING TO SACRIFICE (meh)
It’s nice, it shows him training. It doesn’t make me want to see Robert Roode vs RVD.

AL SNOW & ALEX SYLVIA BACKSTAGE interrupted by ROBERT ROODE
He cuts down the young talent. This Alex Sylvia is the next Crimson. Maybe TNA didn’t let him shine, but he was pretty forgettable.

JOSEPH PARK with JOSEPH PARK
Bully Ray knows who he is. Wow. Joseph is huge. He’s awesome especially now that its going somewhere. Wow Bully Ray has a new shirt. Joseph Park shows a small laugh that makes me think Abyss.

WHO GETS THE TAG TITLE SHOT? (fans should have chosen)
It’s all down to KAZ & Daniels or Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. I would rather KAZ & Daniels win… but not go over Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy. Hogan should just make them have a match to see who gets a title shot that night immediately following the match. Then you can job out the winners to the tag champs and make a match at the PPV.

TAG TITLES >> SAMOA JOE & BRUTIS MAGNUS vs MR. ANDERSON & JEFF HARDY
Wow four guys that don’t seem to be tag wrestlers thrown into tag teams. A few minutes in there is a commercial break. There’s been a few of these in the matches. This match was good at showing off Magnus & Joe. After the match KAZ & Daniels attack Joe & Magnus. I see a pay-per-view match.

ERIC BISCHOFF FAREWELL CERIMONY
All throughout Open Fight Night, they’ve been showing backstage interviews with workers asking them about Eric Bischoff. Flair comes out with Gunner, KAZ, Daniels and Bully Ray. Wow Bully Ray was all over this show. Maybe even too much. KAZ & Daniels were all over this show too, just in the last segment. I don’t think they should be out for this segment since they just ran out.

Flair does a speech. The fans sing Goodbye. Eric Bischoff comes out and sits down in his throne. I really thing their setup should have been done on the stage… because no one is facing the crowd. There’s some mongloid in the crowd wearing a hat that makes me laugh. Flair’s speech was pretty dull. The crowd was bored so they chanted. Gunner thanks Eric. Bully Ray gives Eric a retirement watch and says he’s the wind beneath his wings.

This gets interrupted by Garrett with Jeremy Borash, AJ, RVD, MotorCity Machine Guns. Jeremy Borash says Eric will be inducted into the shed of shame. I like how Eric Bischoff leaves a company and he gets thrown away. The heels rush the faces but all the heels just breeze by Garrett…. So he can headlock and drag his dad into the shed of shame and lock it. The shed of shame is a porta-potty and then it’s tipped over. Apparently there’s stuff in it. Bischoff comes out covered in yucky.

Show ends. Barely any Roode. What?

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/19/12)

LOCKDOWN RECAP
Dumb luck gives Robert Roode the victory at Lockdown. If anyone was pushed for that title it was James Storm. Dumb luck and cheating seems to give Robert Roode victories. That’s not a strong champion. He doesn’t need to cheat or have dumb luck each and every time. Since Roode has kept the title 6 months now he deserves to keep it. Without it, he’ll lose a lot of steam down to zero.

At least TNA didn’t recap the whole pay-per-view at once like they usually do. Their ratings might get better if they divvy out the info over the show.

ROODE OPENING PROMO (terrible promos all around)
Another month, another Roode promo to kick off Impact and it is a good time for him to open the show unlike other months. Anyway, he has a new haircut. TNA could have made this into an angle. Storm wants a title shot, Roode refuses… Hogan says there will be a rematch, and it won’t be for the title, but the loser will have his pony tail cut off. That is just me throwing out an idea. Wow does Bobby Roode look like an accountant and not a wrestler. He lost a uniqueness to him, but whatever, maybe he has movie roles coming up that TNA won’t mention. After all Jeff Jarrett will be in a Wizard of Oz movie coming up with some famous people in it.

Robert Roode just drones on and on, leading me to type about other things because I’m so boring. Anyway, the point of Robert Roode’s promo is that there is no one left for him to beat. So enter Mr. Anderson and his messed up hairstyle.

One terrible promo style replaced with another terrible promo style. I’d really like TNA to let Mr. Anderson go. TNA already has Matt Morgan, they don’t need him. Enter Jeff Hardy limping and wearing more makeup than a mime. LogicallyAndersonbeat Hardy a few weeks ago and won via DQ against Roode.  Logically Mr. Anderson should get the shot, but they should have a match withAndersongoing over.

Hulk Hogan appears over the big screen. He announces a match.Andersonvs Hardy for the #1 contender, please let it be Hardy.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (selling merchandise)
I like these commercials as I always point out. They actually sell things.

CRIMSON & BULLY RAY vs AUSTINARIES & MATT MORGAN (gently putting me to sleep)
I’m happy for this match. It mixes things up when normally the main eventers are in a tag match. Plus it hides Crimson and Morgan. I like the fact the heel Crimson wears black and the face Morgan wears white. Morgan does most of the selling, which is appropriate, you want the colder guy selling and the hotter guy to get the hot tag. I also laugh at the fact Bully Ray as a singles wrestler is put into tag matches week after week. Funny I just saw Morgan tap out to a heel hook. Didn’t count though.

Aries gets the hot tag and looks great, main eventer, new superstar great. Bully and Aries touch a bit toward the end. I don’t think it does anything to help their feud, but there are a few more weeks until the next pay-per-view.

GARRETT BISCHOFF w/ ANDERSON/ AJ STYLEZ / RVD
Wow… the young guy is the captain of his team. Shouldn’t AJ and everyone else just taken the spotlight and said hey Garrett we believe you should be here, so we’re gonna win this for you. But then that would get the Garrett stench on them. Garrett thanks them for their help. Bad to haveAnderson just out there when he’s in your main event. Bad to have RVD out there when he’s still new…. No he’s not new and fresh thanks to this. It’s like he never left and that’s not a good thing. Garrett should have been out there by himself or maybe with AJ.

Flair appears and elevates the segment. TNA now has to bleep the name Eric Bischoff. Lovely. Flair will hold a tribute party for Eric next week.

KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE (stupid angle)
KAZ has his head shaved now. Stupid. Really stupid. He’s a gorgeous man with awesome hair. They will reveal their secret on AJ tonight… oh and next is AJ vs Angle. This totally kills any heat for the match.

ANGLE vs AJ STYLEZ
This was the backdrop for an angle. Three minute match and AJ is given a piece of paper from Christopher Daniels. AJ, Daniels and KAZ are all stuck in the mud so Robert Roode and James Storm can get pushed.

JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE w/ GUNNER
Gunner sends Joseph Park to Bully Ray. We’ll see it next week I’m sure.

HULK HOGAN & RVD BACKSTAGE
Hogan announces RVD will be in the main event making it a 3 way for the #1 contendership.

HULK HOGAN EXPLAINS to ALL TNA CHAMPS (a terrible idea)
Hogan announces Open Fight Night once a month where a new guy not with TNA gets a match that will be judged by 3 guys. A fake reality show… Yep all on one show.  Then on that same show, any of the champs can get called out at any time and they need to be ready to defend their title. I thought this already existed, now we need a name for it? Hulk says that the TV championship will be defended once a week. I feel like now I need to only watch TNA once a month. This is like saying a band will only play the hits on this night and maybe not other times. What really sucks is one championship will be on the line… out of the six titles there are.

GAIL & RAYNE & SARITA & ROSITA vs SKYE, MICKIE, TARA, TESSMOCHER (typical 10 minute every knockout match)
Brooke is back from OVW. Let’s see what she learned… when stuck in an 8 woman shmozz. Brooke and Tara do the heatless lesbian kiss. Mickie looks terrible and Velvet’s hair is flat. Makes me think TNA fired their cosmetologist.

Rosita really needs to get a high flying style or go face and start selling for heels. It works wonders for AJ Lee on WWE. Rosita and Sarita need to look more like a tag team. Sarita is amazing at what she does. Eventually it devolves into a giant brawl. The ref sees cheating, but goes with it. Shocking finish that will lead into that Open Fight Night next week I’m sure.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB HONEYMOON (yawn)
Two people lying down at the poolside. Now Eric Young is the jealous one. Lovely. He strips down to his underwear as always. ODB then ices down his package. Yep. Thankfully this was short.

TV TITLE >> DEVONvs GUNNER (the start of something good)
Good, TV title should be defended on television. Hogan said earlier that the TV title will now be defended each week. This isDevon’s first TV title defense on TV. Hopefully this can be a staple of 10 – 15 minutes of good wrestling a week. That’s what I wanted with AJ holding the title.Devon can train up some younger guys. There are dueling chants forDevon and Gunner. The match lasts less than 5 minutes. Good for the winner.

JAMES STORM PROMO
I think Storm needed a win and a promo to rebound from one of TNA’s most high profile losses. Good promo about what losing means. His loss means something…. But I’m afraid Robert Roode’s win doesn’t mean anything.

RVD vs MR.ANDERSONvs JEFF HARDY
Oh if only it was RVD vs Jeff Hardy. The dream match that happened 10 years ago. It is funny that I never want to see another match between Hardy and Anderson or Anderson and RVD. At least Mr. Anderson doesn’t look like he has the flu like he did last week or the week before.  The match didn’t last long. There was a winner. Yep.

Mailbag April 2012

Shockingly, I get a lot of emailed questions about pro wrestling. Here are some questions that actually need answering.

WILL THE WWE HAVE A DEVELOPMENTAL TERRITORY IN EUROPE?
No, but it should, because the European style is nice for the WWE to have. Finley, William Regal and Wade Barrett are all fine examples of why WWE needs a European territory or at least a UK territory. It would be more cost efficient to workers wanting to get their foot in the door. WWE really needs to throw out a line to other English speaking countries like England and Canada.

WHY DOESN’T CM PUNK LOSE MATCHES?
He’s a guy that the WWE doesn’t want to turn into a chump. He has lost plenty of times in recent months… just like everyone else. They have done a lot of cheap and non finishes with him and Daniel Bryan and Mark Henry though.

WHY DOES AJ STYLEZ WEAR GLOVES?
I have no idea. I will guess it is because he does springboard stuff with the ropes and he probably doesn’t want to slip from the oil and sweat that collects on the ropes after guys are out there. AJ also has the best planned slip up we’ve ever seen.

IS STING BORED IN TNA?
You tell me, he goes out and becomes the main focus of television even if he’s not in the ring. Sting is in the twilight of his career and he probably had more fun in WCW, but working for TNA pays the bills and he probably has to work limited dates like 20 a year. So money > boredom.

WHY IS GARRETT BISCHOFF PUSHED IN TNA?
TNA is given a great genetic story. Eric Bischoff and his son Garrett. This guy will always be in wrestling, he’s the son of the legendary Eric Bischoff. At least Garrett looks closer to a wrestler than Shane McMahon. I’m no fan of Garrett, but there is a story there to be told. I just wish that TNA could tell it better. Maybe have Garrett as a heel goon of his father until the fans want to see him rise against his dad. I also reccommend Garrett to go off and wrestle for OVW, get some experience then come back and blow us all away.

ARE THERE BACKSTAGE PROBLEMS AT TNA?
I sure hope so. Guys like AJ Stylez should be main eventing and he gets oppressed with stupid storylines only to put over Roode and Storm. TNA just had a shakeup creatively that seems to be good 70% of the time. Hogan is back, because TNA fears their slipping ratings. TNA shouldn’t fear slipping ratings instead build things that people want to see. Like Hogan will not save the company. No one will save the company so much as getting the ball rolling and gaining momentum where word spreads about how good it is getting instead of how meh it is and will always be. There are also tons of other minor issues.

WHERE IS TNA GOING WITH JOSEPH PARK?
Funny thing is, I think he’ll go on to take on Immortal and Bully Ray. Sure Immortal doesn’t really exist anymore and it seems to consist only of Gunner, Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair. How about a promo between Flair and Joseph Park. Maybe the story will be that Immortal kicked Abyss’s ass so bad that he became his own brother. I do know one thing…. WWE missed the boat when Kane disappeared. … have you seen my brother Glenn?

WHY DOES TNA HAVE SUCH A WEAK ROSTER?
Funny… I wouldn’t consider it weak such as a big dog that’s kept inside in a basement that you see out when it needs to take a … something. TNA needs to let its roster off the chain again and let them wrestle at least on pay-per-views. TNA has meaningless pay-per-views, but if they let their talent wrestle longer and better matches, that will make it worth the price to those who buy them.

WHAT ARE YOUR IDEAS FOR THE WWE DIVA’S TITLE?
Uh really it is a cheerleader halftime show that just happens to have a champion. They don’t really need female wrestlers. Beth is fine with the title, I’m sure the WWE is building to a Kharma vs Beth match one Kharma returns. She might never return. Kelly Kelly actually made for a better champion, just because she was on every show even if she can’t wrestle like Beth or Natalya or Melina for that matter. WWE doesn’t need to put any heat on that belt… even if the fans say they do.

WHO WAS ERIC YOUNG & ODB’S WEDDING PLANNER?
I get asked this a lot. No clue, but she’s probably a local model. Maybe she’s married to one of the guys.

IS TEDDY HART INSANE?
He sure comes off that way yes. He just thinks very outside the box. He comes off gay in other interviews, but hey that’s just the sound of it. He had a HBO interviewer stay with him one night. He said it himself.

WHEN DO YOU THINK WE WILL SEE ROBERT ROODE vs DIXIE CARTER?
I like how fans still call him Robert Roode. Oh we’ll never see it, but I swear they’re building to it.

WHAT ARE YOUR IDEAS FOR SOME UNIQUE MATCH STIPULATIONS?
I’m not sure. I think everything has been done. How about a cage match with a scaffold ontop of it with a ladder ontop of that?

WHY DOES KANE HAVE HIS MASK BACK?
That was never explained and probably will never be explained. WWE just wanted to freshen him up by taking him back to the mask days. Personally…. I would have explained it that the wrestler HHH took the mask off…. but the wrestler HHH is dead and gone, there’s just some stuffed suit in his place and he challenges anyone else to take off his mask.

WHO IS THE FAT MINI WRESTLER ON HULK HOGAN’S MICRO CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING?
Meatball. Seems like a good worker too.

WHERE CAN I FIND VELVET SKYE’S BLOG
No idea. She’s probably on Twitter.

Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (04/12/12)

ERIC BISCHOFF OPENS IMPACT (Team Eric is revealed)
The fans are firmly against Eric Bischoff and he loves it and they love it too. He welcomes his team which consists of Bully Ray, Gunner, KAZ & Christopher Daniels. Good team, but I thought Bully Ray was busy for Lock Down. Bully Ray cuts a promo and laughs at Garrett. I’ve pointed it out before and I’ll point it out again, this is like Poochie the Dog on the Simpsons… where if Poochie isn’t on screen, everyone should be talking about him, just like Garrett. The crowd wants AJ. We want AJ. Push AJ please, stop oppressing him to push James Storm, AJ can make TNA money.

Garrett appears, complete with his logo behind him that reads… Garrett… Bischoff… Garrett Bischoff. Wow. He announces Mr. Anderson is on his team.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL (effective at selling merch)
TNA actually decided to sell some merchandise with this commercial. I’m happy. The voice even kind of sounded like Don West. Kind of…

BEST OF THREE SERIES >>ANDERSONvs GUNNER (andAnderson’s no lose contract)
There is some best of three series to announce who has the one man advantage at Lockdown. I’m happy this 8 man match involves guys who aren’t main eventers. It gives your midcarders something interesting to do.

I see Gunner as the future of TNA with more in ring longevity than Garrett and Crimson. Plus Gunner has been wrestling for 10+ years already. The commentators use this as a plug fest for everything that will happen tonight. LOL what a stupid ending to this match. This past month makes me think that Mr. Anderson has something in his contract.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE (Joseph Park needs to do something)
In a 70s sky blue tuxedo. Joseph Park appears… asks about a prenuptial agreement. After Lockdown, they need to do something with Joseph Park.

MOTORCITY MACHINE GUNS PROMO (that gets no one over)
They insult Joe & Magnus (JoeNus Brothers) credentials and put over their own, such as retiring Team 3D and beating Beer Money. Unfortunately in TNA all tag teams have beaten one another. Enter Joe & Magnus, the face heels. This was basic, no frills, lacking energy, but with passion.

Enter Mexican America that get beat down. Dull. When it’s all said and done no one is over.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> DANIELS vs ARIES (effectively putting over Aries)
Should be a five star match if this was WCW, but since this is TNA I give it one star. That’s my prediction anyway. The crowd is firmly pro Aries and anti Daniels. Minutes into the match and there are great acrobatics, counters and risky maneuvers. The fans chant this is wrestling.

This was a great and effective match at putting over Aries. Daniels didn’t look too bad either.

JEFF HARDY PROMO (a waste of time)
I hate his music. Can’t even tell it’s him coming out and he’s had this music a while now. This theme is still better than his last TNA theme that he wrote and sang himself. In the background, TNA is constructing a cage for the upcoming Eric Young and ODB wedding. Jeff mentions how it all started with Kurt how he cost him the world title… no he prevented you from winning. Jeff Hardy is very meh on the microphone and just gets cheap pops by screaming into the microphone.

JAMES STORM BACKSTAGE PROMO w/ MONTGUMARY GENTRY
James is angry. That’s it. Gentry says Sorry bout your damn luck.

ERIC YOUNG BACKSTAGE
Is interrupted by Sarita and Rosita. Apparently they want the Knockouts Tag Team Titles. You know Eric Young has so many things going on. Joe Parks, a wedding, Knockouts Tag Team Titles.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB WEDDING (the kill-pace)
Eric Young will soon be having a fishing show on Animal Planet. TNA doesn’t mention that. I also think it is strange Animal Planet would have a fishing show. Very classy setup… too bad it is ruined by a steel cage. Too bad TNA isn’t saying for the first time ever, a wedding in a steel cage. They tease ODB not showing up and the fans boo. Then her music hits and she appears in a cammo wedding dress and plenty of makeup. ODB locks the cage once she enters. Perfect metaphore.

They shows a video of the past 3 months they’ve been together. Plenty of dirty moments and face in cleavage. They say their vows that involve farting, slapping ass and taking Eric’s ring music.

Rosita and Sarita appear and call ODB a beast. She actually gets a tear from this. Rosita strips. This segment really drags. Sarita strips. Wow this was stupid. ODB points out she doesn’t have what those girls have. The priest helps ODB strip. I’d pick ODB if you like abnormally large implants. Then Eric Young strips and Tazz is confused. The fans chant this is sexy… ODB forces the priest to strip. Wow. So now they’re married it is ODB Young. Then they instantly cut to:

RIC FLAIR PEP TALK TO BULLY RAY
It is good. Then Ric Flair mentions Hulk-a-mania falls apart today. What? Maybe because Hulk made this team match at Lockdown. Eh.

ROBERT ROODE BACKSTAGE PROMO WITH HENCHMEN
This was meh less than half a minute. It gets him on TV.

BEST OF THREE SERIES >> BULLY RAY vs AJ STYLEZ (best match of the show)
On paper this 8 man match doesn’t look bad. Both teams circle the ring. We haven’t seen AJ vs Bully in a while after their big feud maybe 2 years ago that ended with a kick to the butt. Good tight match with both guys getting treated like stars. Eventually it devolves into an outside brawl. Good win by the winner.

Hulk Hogan appears strutting to the ring, clapping as he always does. Then he announces five on five at Lockdown. Guess it. Guess who it is. I think the fans are chanting Sid. Instead of being who I thought it was a legitimate good shock. Kudos to you TNA.

ROODE vs STORM VIDEO (fails to hit the mark)
Meh video, they’ve had better ones. This was a video from Robert Roode to James Storm recapping the last 6 months. Unfortunately I’m not into this match still, because they’ve had it too many times and had too many interactions. I guess they should be hyping up James Storm winning the TNA title again.

MADISON RAYNE & GAIL KIM vs MICKIE JAMES & VELVET SKYE (typical women’s tag)
Velvet looks like a blow-up-doll as usual, but hey some women consider that a compliment. I feel like this match should have been in the middle of the card, because I’m burnt out already. Shockingly, Velvet really shined in this match, she did most of the work and did it compliantly. Good job.

JAMES STORM & ROBERT ROODE ANGLE (and it still doesn’t make me care)
I’m tired of watching TNA for this week, because they had the main event a few segments ago and they’re capping it off with an angle. So these two Roode and Storm have had so many interactions and so many matches that involve one another, tag matches, singles matches, four ways that I have no interest in seeing the main event. Everything TNA tries to do to hype it up, doesn’t make me want to see it more even if it is in a steel cage… you know what else is in a steel cage? Crimson & Morgan. Steel cage doesn’t matter since every other match is in a steel cage.

Both men mention Beer Money and the past including the Bound for Glory Series. Both had interesting things to say. My interest really drifted, because we’ve heard all of this before months ago. I think a guy like Roode needs the top title to keep his steam and once he loses it he won’t be nearly as noticeable. Oh and the show ends with both men forehead to forehead pushing each other’s shifting noses and it was just funny.