Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should be) (in my mind) (06/07/12)

TNA IMPACT OPENING with DIXIE LAST WEEK
They recap what happened last week and then show what happened off the air. Dixie is angry marching to the production truck. Hopefully the AJ / Dixie angle doesn’t turn out to be a surprise birthday party for Serge her husband. TNA said that we’d be going backstage more and more.

DIXIE IN THE RING (heat killer)
She’s all teary eyed. Dixie feels sorry for Christopher Daniels and KAZ that they’d be so sad as to do this. So Dixie is gonna tell the truth! Enter Daniels and KAZ. Daniels has his hand taped. His hand or fingers. Daniels REALLY should have been the one to shave KAZ’s head. Be like me KAZ, be like me! We are one as a tag team. That didn’t happen. Daniels and KAZ look like jobbers wearing Slammiversary T-shirts and they don’t even carry the tag belts. Daniels harasses her. Its nice. Dixie starts trying to bash him, Kaz gives her a nice push to the corner. AJ came in for the save. This isn’t gold, I’m not sure how much heat it has. Serge comes in. He helps his wife and looks angry at AJ Stylez. Serge clocks AJ. They are going into good territory with this, but since its AJ its still unbelievable. The fans are chanting Photo-Shop? Serge leaves them, and AJ walks Dixie out. Well that’s a crowd killer.

It is soon announced AJ & Dixie left the building, but he’s in a six man tag main event!

AUSTIN ARIES & SAMOA JOE BACKSTAGE
Very briefly Joe has an issue with him. Its too brief to get heat.

THE STREAK >> CRIMSON vs AUSTIN ARIES (uh boy)
Crimson issues an open challenge for the PPV. Fight him and lose! Then screams Undefeated!

I still want to point out Crimson was pinned as a tag champion. If anyone on the TNA roster should beat Crimson, it should be Austin Aries. If anyone can get a good match out of Crimson it is Austin Aries. The crowd is behind Aries. But with Joe and Aries having an issue just before the match, that might telegraph the winner. It didn’t last week.

BROOKE BACKSTAGE w/ FACE KNOCKOUTS (surprisingly good)
Look at these outfits! Look at these bodies! They’re more beautiful in person! She’s clearly a face. A man of a face. She puts Velvet, Mickie James, Brooke and Tara into a four way. Why does Brooke look older than these girls when she’s probably the youngest? Brooke mentions that she’s getting them media opperunities. If that’s true, cool. Montgumery Gentry wants Velvet for a music video. Mickie James subtly looks pissed.

HOGAN ANNOUCEMENTS (meh build to the PPV)
Hogan comes out and announces the ten year anniversary party starts tonight end ends next week with the TNA champion having a title match next week on Impact. Then Robert Roode comes out, starts talking, gets interrupted, but Robert Roode is never done talking. It was a good verbal assault… if they’re planning Hogan vs Roode. He puts his hands on Hogan. Sting appears. Roode beats down Sting who just gets back up. Sting sells nothing. Then Robert Roode gets sent out of the ring.

Robert Roode wears a new IT Factor T-shirt that looks terrible and generic. They really could have had some more IT Factor in the IT Factor T-shirt. In other words, that’s not a shirt I’d buy or anyone else.

JOSEPH PARK BACKSTAGE
He can’t believe what he’s doing. Good character. To brief to be great, but this was good for the 30 seconds it was.

#1 CONTENDER >> MICKIE JAMES vs VELVET SKYE vs BROOKE TESSMOCHER vs TARA (seen these women in this match combination too many times)
Brooke Tessmocher is from Houston, TX and the PPV is in TX. Give her the knockout victory in her home state. All faces… except for Mickie who is about to turn. Gail appears soon after the match starts. Gail on commentary says she’s beaten all four. Gail Kim is the longest running Knockouts champ. Along with every other major title holder. Thank goth Gail is on commentary, because this match is so dull and burnt out that I forget there’s a match going on. There is a good spot where all 4 women are involved in submissions. I remember when WWE did similar things 10 years ago. Tara does a top rope moonsault instead of a standing one. Very impressive and graceful, unlike Lita’s.

Eventually former tag partners Brooke & Tara fight. The work starts getting sloppy toward the end. Like someone will get hurt kind of sloppy.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE (voice is out of sync?)
Strange the voice is out of sync. He’s got a contract for Joseph Park.

HOGAN BACKSTAGE ON THE PHONE
You get here AJ! Grrr…

BULLY RAY & JOSEPH PARK CONTRACT SIGNING w/ JEREMY BORASH (interesting and entertaining)
This has been a good 3+ month storyline. It would be a good one off match and they might want to do this with non wrestlers. Have them appear 3 months and do one match before disappearing. Do that 4x a year with various people and you can really keep them fresh. Like Robert Roode vs his old friend in spring, Bully vs Joseph in summer, AJ vs Serge in fall, ODB vs the Wedding Planner in winter. Very easy to do.

Bully has a good shirt. Some sort of parody on the Jack Daniels bottle. Joseph Park comes out with no music, but he is not a wrestler. He’s good at not knowing how to get in the ring. He’s good at being clueless. The fans want tables. Bully starts by tearing up the contract. Bully Ray pulls his special contract out that protects him from liability. Joseph Park isn’t crazy enough to do that. The fans cheer him surprisingly. Abyss should come out and sign it then… but that’s not the match. Bully Ray spits in his face. Joseph cuts a promo about his brother who spilt his blood and gave his body. He’ll sign for his brother Chris. If this means Abyss has retired and Joseph needs to wrestle now.

Abyss appears on the big screen. He’s not happy with Joseph. Abyss does some good work, even gets a shock from the crowd. Gold… for such a weird plotline. Bully Ray attacks Joseph. Great segment.

MIKE TENNAY asks TAZZ about JOEY RYAN
People are buzzing about it. Mike asks Tazz if he has any second thoughts. Tazz loves Joey’s character. Hanging out on Twitter and Youtube doesn’t make you better it makes you popular.

BACKSTAGE PROMO with JOEY RYAN (interesting)
Last week Joey was backstage cutting a promo on Tazz so Al Snow swoops in and tells Joey to check himself. Joey doesn’t, so Al Snow escorts him out. I’m sure that wasn’t Joey Ryan’s character that was just him venting. TNA was and wasn’t stupid not to take him. They were stupid, because the fans wanted it and he’s a ten year vet with talent and a great character that would be awesome in TNA. The good reason they didn’t take him is apparently he’s a jerk.

TV TITLE >> DEVON vs ROBBIE E (adding interest with more players)
The feud that will not die. Backstage before the match, Garrett says he’ll have Devon’s back if Devon will let him. Yep. Brief they’re really trying to put over Garrett. They’ll tag up at the PPV. This is the same match that its been for the last 3 months. It hasn’t gotten better or worse. Luckily Maddisson Rayne shows up to look on, making this match watchable. Logically I’d give Decon a clean win, then give Robbie & Rob Terry a cheat victory at the PPV when Maddisson Rayne helps them. Why have Cookie with Robbie E when you can have Rayne. Hilarious spot where there’s a small package and the giant Rob Terry sneaks into the ring and rolls them over so Devon is getting pinned.

HULK HOGAN ANNOUCEMENT (again)
He was getting ready to make a monster annoucement before he got interrupted… so Hogan gets interrupted again by Mr. Anderson. Why not have a match at the PPV. Ken Anderson vs Jeff Hardy. Again! The same match its been even back in the WWE for years and years! He introduces himself before he comes down. Uggg… Why is this guy back. There’s no room for him. Put him on Xplosion. I can tell Hogan really doesn’t want to hear from him. Hogan invites RVD to come down. So why not have a 3 way? They’re forgetting about Jeff Hardy… so far. And yep, Jeff Hardy is called down. I’d have these three guys go over in 3 singles matches, then have a 3 way at the PPV with the winner getting a title shot on Impact. He announces a three way at Slammiversary. Yep. I predict Jeff Hardy to win. Peel RVD off into a feud with Aries and Kennedy can go after Crimson.

SIX MAN TAG >> ROODE & KAZ & DANIELS vs STING & KURT ANGLE & AJ STYLES
AJ left earlier… and he stayed gone, which is great. 2 on 3 match. I’d rather see 2 on 3 than waste 2 PPV matches in one. Sting comes out with some weird purple jacket. Sting now wears black with blue ring attire. He quickly puts the scorpion death lock on Daniels. A terrible death lock and Angle puts the ankle lock on KAZ. Bam that should have been the match. Victory to the faces, but then the heels should get on the mic and demand it get restarted and it would be.

I remember when Daniels had a feud with Sting. I’m not sure if they actually had a match or not. That was a few years ago. Pretty quick match, but there was a lot of energy.

PROS

  • The interest of Austin Aries vs Crimson
  • Brooke Hogan and Velvet’s announcement of being in a music video (I’m surprised its a pro)
  • Joseph Park & Bully Ray
  • Using Joey Ryan without giving him a contract

CONS

  • Crowd killing opening angle
  • Someone specific losing
  • Roode & Sting with Hogan did nothing to make me want to see them.
  • I’ve seen the same knockout’s match in tag or three way form for a year or two
  • Didn’t make me want to see Slamiversary
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