Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (03/15/12)

I assume with 5 weeks between Victory Road and the last PPV that TNA had 2 TV tapings for 5 episodes. I pity the fans that had to sit through this second TV taping since it was probably 4 hours.

TNA RANKS (because I discuss them…)
TOP FACES

  1. Sting
  2. James Storm
  3. Jeff Hardy
  4. Garrett Bischoff
  5. Joe
  6. Magnus
  7. Eric Young
  8. ODB
  9. Aries
  10. AJ Stylez
  11. Mr Anderson

TOP HEELS

  1. Robert Roode
  2. Bully Ray
  3. Kurt Angle
  4. Gunner
  5. Crimson
  6. Matt Morgan
  7. Zema Ion
  8. KAZ
  9. Christopher Daniels

OPENING SEGMENT WITH JAMES STORM w/ BULLY RAY (who saved things)
James comes out and poorly hypes his match next month against Robert Roode… he’s waited for the opportunity since November 2011… which would make sense if he hasn’t had a few singles matches against Robert Roode…

Bully Ray comes out which is what this segment needed, because eh his promos are pretty generic with no sizzle. We all love James Storm, but he needs to put pizzazz on his promos other than his catch phrase. When Bully Ray came out he livened up. Bully announces Storm will face Gunner. This is great honestly. Gunner has heat even if he is a midcarder. I have no problem with them chopping off the head of a hot midcarder to get heat on the #2 face.

GAIL & RAYNE BACKSTAGE (w/ STING)
Bickering… Sting announces Velvet vs Rayne & Mickie vs Gail. At least this was kept short.

TNA SHOPZONE COMMERCIAL
Terrible. Doesn’t make me want to buy any merchandise. Put a price up on the basketball jerseys. I’m tired of commenting how bad the Knockouts Shopzone commercials are.

RAYNE vs VELVET SKYE (meh needed to put over a finisher)
The beauty queen vs the hooker. You take a pick which is which. Velvet has been on a quiet tear in TNA over the pash few months after losing a lot after she won the Knockouts title 4 months ago. Interesting how Rayne has the USA flag on her shorts. The crowd is behind Velvet… but not nearly as much as ODB. This match features Velvet selling a lot, which is a good thing when the other woman has a title match. The crowd stays behind Velvet in the whole match. The right women won… well right woman for this month. The only problem I had is the winner didn’t use a finisher!!!!! Pisses me off. Need to put over Velvet’s finisher when I can’t even remember what her finisher is other than the head humping into the mat which is not a finisher. TNA NEEDS FINISHERS!!! Even if she cheats to win, it needs to be after a finisher!!!! TNA throws to…

MORGAN & CRIMSON BACKSTAGE + RECAP OF TAG TEAM
TNA pairs guys together to tear them apart. Sure its good for one tag team, but TNA does it all the time. Crimson plugs how he’s undefeated for 14 months. That’s BS when I’ve seen Crimson pinned on Impact. Whatever. Undefeated in singles competition doesn’t mean much.

CRIMSON vs JOE (and I know who wins)
Unfortunately with Crimson having the streak gimmick I know who will win.  Joe looks either dirty or hairy. Like covered with dirt or something which doesn’t make sense. Maybe it is bruising. The crowd is quickly behind Crimson. What are they on crack? Oh well. The chant died quick. Joe shines in this match and entertains the crowd. Crimson chants… Joe continues to crush Crimson who is a sack in this match. Crimson gets in the ref’s face, typical heel move. Since 2 weeks ago the heel tag team champs paired with the top face… they’re faces now. Morgan interferes. They’re making the double turn which makes it interesting. It also means Morgan & Joe are on the same page instead of breaking up.

ANOTHER MARCH MADNESS KNOCKOUTS COMMERCIAL (its a sale)
It is a sale… but what percentage off? What’s on sale? How much are those jerseys? If only the commercials showed me. Worthless commercials. TNA can do so much better.

ARIES PROMO w/ VIDEO MONTAGUE (and ZEMA comes out)
53 X-Division championships held by 25 men. Aries is the longest running X-Division champion. This is great and I’m thankful TNA didn’t let this info slip through the cracks. Then they showed the video montage. The montage was totally different from anything TNA has shown. Bad music, but good meaning with black and white video in slow motion of Aries jumping and lounging around. Didn’t show Arie’s matches… just showed Aries in his matches.

Zema Ion comes out with his fucked up hairstyle and clean-looking clothes. Its funny because both of these lower tier guys wearing great clothes beats the main eventers wearing T-shirt & jeans. Zema mentions Jesse Saurensen proving that he’s the heel in this. He wants Aries to give him the belt before he gets injured. A good exchange with the wine. Memorable. Both guys looked great. No one looked weak. Zema threw the glass in Aries face… Aries got Zema with the bottle and threw him out. Great stuff.  I predict Zema to win at the PPV.

JOSEPH PARKS BACKSTAGE w/ GUNNER
Gunner brushes off Joseph… looks like it could be a potential culprit as to the disappearance of his brother Chris Parks.

ERIC YOUNG & ODB BACKSTAGE
First a brief recap of the proposal. They discuss where to have the wedding… VFW hall? I’ve been to one of those… Minnesota fair? Nah makes too much sense since ODB is from Minnesota. Impact? Duh yeah!

ANGLE BACKSTAGE
Announces Garrett vs Angle. Good. Cripple Garrett. Like I pointed out before take a midcarder with heat, chop off his head for a main eventer. The #3 main event heel.

MICKIE JAMES vs GAIL KIM (and the women getting in the crowd)
I’m not sure why… but I’d rather see Mickie vs Rayne and Velvet vs Gail… but I guess Velvet is someone they can make midcard money with. Good original moves from Gail. Creative and psychological wrestler she is. See working a bodypart is brilliant. You give  the loser an excuse to lose and it makes your winner look strong. Why is it they only do this with the Knockouts? This match seemed to kill the crowd. I see some of the crowd women laughing at the match. Come to think of it… there are a lot of women in the crowd, which there should be… they come for KAZ, AJ, Jeff Hardy and other gorgeous men.

Amazingly the crowd might be silent for the match but the crowd is still into it. I guess they’re silent watching. They still clap and chant and cheer when the face does something but they’re silent when Gail does is on offense. Gail Kim wins cheating… Two heels win by cheating. So expect a cheating finish. Gail Kim is someone who has recently gotten her finisher over… which is good.

MR ANDERSON & KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE (killing any heat there was)
KAZ & Daniels are hecklers really. These two are a non entity since a returning wrestler Anderson steals the heat. Then kills it when Daniels knocks over Anderson’s drink and Anderson says… oh noooo… not that… not that… not … that. There went any heat. Hope they didn’t show this to the crowd. They setup Anderson vs Daniels.

IMPACT WORLD TOUR COMMERCIAL
Interview with a fan saying it has inspired him to get into the business. Eh wasn’t the best comment unless we actually see this guy next year. Anyway the point is to put heat on your live events and they announced where the tour will be next.

ANDERSON vs DANIELS (and how bad Anderson is in the ring)
First of all… TNA gives away Anderson’s first match in four months on free TV. Dumbasses. Sure you’ve got 3 episodes at one TV taping but they really should have left a question in fan’s minds to buy the PPV. But whatever. TNA doesn’t want your money. Next… I forgot how much I hate Anderson… and what a one trick pony he is and how basic of a wrestler he is.

Tennay plugs that KAZ has Stockholm syndrome. Yeah whatever Tennay. Should have spun that angle 2 months ago. Now it just seems stupid and tacked on but hey whatever. Just great wrestlers saddled with a bad angle.

The crowd is slowing down. Brief chant to fire up Anderson but no one got behind it. Daniels wrestling is beautiful. He’s working with a corpse. Anderson looks like he’s out of gas and really sucking wind. Then Anderson does his twisting neckbreaker and he’s even more sucking wind. He does his double kick which used to be beautiful, but now it just sucked. He’s so tired. Oh good KAZ comes out to make sure no match can end without chicanery. AJ comes out for the save… which prevents interference. Good job TNA. Daniels continues his losing streak. Anderson has a long way to go to meet KAZ, Daniels and AJ in the ring. Why wasn’t RVD the one to come back? Does he still have a contract?

JEFF HARDY BACKSTAGE
He recaps that he’d be champion if it weren’t for Kurt Angle. Now its personal… golly should have been personal weeks ago when he did the run in. He announces that he is the charismatic enigma. Eh it was kept short.

5 MINUTE CHALLENGE >> KURT ANGLE vs GARRETT BISCHOFF
If you want to get someone better… you put them in with the best as proven by the last match. It would have been interesting if Kurt Angle came out and announced an open challenge… only to be answered by Garret (and probably boos). They plug how tough Garrett is. When someone isn’t at the top level of toughness it feels like they’re trying too hard. When I imagine tough I think of Bruiser Brody, Stan Hanson, Steve Williams… NOT GARRETT BISCHOFF!!!

Kurt beats down Garrett… for 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Brilliant timing by everything. They are really trying to elevate Garrett. Match ends, Kurt throws on the ankle lock until Hardy saves him. Typical. Didn’t need Garrett to survive though. Could of had him lose with one second left and then put on the ankle lock to get saved by Hardy. I predict Angle to win at the PPV.

ROBBIE E & ROB TERRY BACKSTAGE
They have merchandise? They plug Robbie’s open challenge for the TV championship… again. Hope it is RVD… But it will be Alex Shelley.

GUNNER w/ BULLY RAY vs JAMES STORM (and why its awesome)
Tennay still mentions Immortal… Ha. Are they around still? Since none of them have appeared together in the last while I thought that Gunner, Flair and Bischoff were Immortal. Thankfully Bully Ray was with Gunner. Gunner looks intense, he looks like he should be there in that mix. Maybe its just his heat. Speaking of heat… wouldn’t it be awesome if Gunner DDTed Hogan on the concrete floor?

Gunner is the perfect guy for James to go over. Gunner isn’t in your top 3 matches at the PPV he has heat, energy, intensity. This was a good match, Gunner knows the motions. When you pull hair you check your hand for the strands of hair. When the face fires at you in the beginning, you know to duck in the ropes to get him off you. You even know the standing chin lock for a good visual. He looks like a good heel. He even swings blindly at the air toward the end when he was loopy.

Bully Ray fakes a run in after the match… Personally I feel the show should have ended with this… but you can’t end with the #2 match on the PPV… you’ve got to end with…

STING & ROODE CONTRACT SIGNING (and the boring promo)
They start with a brief recap that doesn’t put any heat on the match. In fact for the past 5 weeks these two have been non entities. They started with Roode beating down Sting. Then Sting said he’s done… then turned crazy Sting… Roode got laid out 2x and now here we are at the contract signing. This feels like it shouldn’t be the #1 match at the PPV.

I hope TNA keeps Sting out for a few months after this match so that James Storm can be the #1 face. But in reality it might just end up being Bully vs Sting at Lockdown. Roode goes into a speech after signing the contract. His speeches are so boring that I’m more content to just type about what I’d rather see. Yawn. Thank god he’s not opening the show with those droning promos. The fans look bored since they’re propping their heads up with their hands and arms. Lazy fans… can’t even stand tall to watch this main event angle… Main event… show closer… Christ Roode isn’t done talking yet. Sting just sits there. I think he’s a mannequin. Holy shit Roode talking is killing my want to live. Thank god I’m watching this at 8 am so I won’t fall back asleep. Sting really is a manniquen.

Shouldn’t there be some face that says you bore me Bobby! Bored to tears! How about some action? Sting continues to say nothing after 5+ minutes of Roode talking. Maybe Sting fell asleep he has his sunglasses on. At least Bobby is getting heel heat with anti Bobby chants. That’s the first anti chant of the show. Oh good Sting woke up from his nap. Overtuns the table puts on makeup.

And… Roode gets laid out… again. So to recap… Sting laid out once 5 weeks ago. Roode laid out 3x in 3 weeks. Way to sell your champion and sell PPVs. Finish the show with a face beatdown of a heel. Why watch the PPV when we’ve seen Sting just kick his ass… but I guess we’re seeing the match not the finish.

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