Everything Wrong with TNA Impact (and how it should have been) (in my mind) (03/08/12)

RECAP OF GARRETT FEUD (not enough Gunner)
Not enough Gunner, way too much Garrett. I’m dreading what tonight will entail. Gunner arrives in his jeep. He is different from anyone else. Little jeep, big sunglasses, a plaid hick shirt and giant sideburns, but with that being said I don’t want him in the role he’s in. Gunner however is awesome.

GUNNER, BISCHOFF & FLAIR PROMO (and glaring issues)
Flair’s music is played. Well a different and less dramatic version of his music. Anyone remember when Bischoff & Flair hated each other? Maybe it’s just me, but I think Gunner doesn’t need 2 white haired managers. He just needs one of them. Oh and wait where’s Chelsea? It doesn’t matter, she’s pretty useless. That’s like giving a one night escort a name. Flair is looking like a corpse over the past few years. 

So they set up a tag match with Gunner & Garrett. A high end wrestler throws his hat into the ring metaphorically. That elevates Gunner, but belittles the wrestler that appears. Hey if you want Garrett to look good, you put him in there with the best. So who is it? Kurt Angle who has gone on a tear about his kids over the past year or so he knows the value of a father being disrespected by his son.

STING BACKSTAGE w/ ERIC YOUNG
Wow the closeup made him look old. He is putting on his makeup and talking to a mirror. Eric Young appears. I think TNA knows how stupid Sting is, so they sent in Eric Young, their comedy guy. A match is set, Eric Young & ODB vs the tag champs. Not the TNA tag titles, the knockout tag titles. Sting goes back to giggling in the mirror.

KNOCKOUTS TAG TITLES >> ERIC YOUNG & ODB vs GAIL & RAYNE (surprisingly entertaining)
This match makes sense since ODB has had singles matches with Gail & Rayne and Eric has been in the background. Rayne & Kim look like tag partners since they have matching colors and that’s literally all it takes. Oh good a knockouts tag match with Eric Young. I fully expect Eric to lockup with the ref half a dozen times. Over the years Eric has really been the guy to work with the women… or not work with the women. 

ODB is still heavily over just like the previous 2 weeks. In fact she gets such a reaction from the crowd that she should be the world champion. Eric Young’s spots were actually good and entertaining this week. He wanted a bronco buster. He dodges run ins from the knockouts, a stacked airplane spin and complete with a falling rape pin attempt. 

ERIC YOUNG PROPOSAL to ODB
It’s a little early for that. What’s it the 3rd month of their tag team? Eh, whatever. They can have a long engagement. This is probably the sort of thing they should have KAZ & Traci Brooks do years ago. Crowd loved it.

JOSEPH PARK ARRIVES
He is here to look at management… He looks to be quite the character.

BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE
Not as entertaining. He’s putting on a serious face. 

AUSTINARIES BACKSTAGE
Austingets an email from Sting on what looks to be a blackberry. Sting wants Zema Ion vs Aries tonight. Aries questions Sting’s logic to have the match tonight. I smell a title change and a face turn for Aries.

X-DIVISION TITLE >> AUSTIN ARIES vs ZEMA ION (and the look)
I love Zema’s trashy look. Terrible tights, terrible afro and spraying that bottle make it an awesome look. Austin Aries is a gorgeous magician. It is all about the look. Great facial hair, he just needs a top hat and a wand. 

Good stall tactics by Aries celebrating around the ringside.  Puts a unique flair on him and this match has tons of flair from flashy moves to hairstyles. Even the hairspray looks awesome, because it’s covered with magazine beauty shots. I guess it’s a fair way to end a TV match, but this just means they should put a stipulation on their PPV match. Ladder match? Hairspray on a pole match? 

VELVET & JOSEPH PARKS
Mr. Parks is Abyss’s brother. That’s why Joseph has an impressive appearance.

CALF-ZILLA PROMO (a stipulation is really needed)
He’s the guy that did this and that to James Storm. Their match at the PPV will be a #1 contenders match for Lockdown, even though James Storm is the #1 contender at Lockdown. After he beat Bully Ray. What will be different? What stipulation will make this match different than the last time? 

Sting appears… he’s all crazy. Yep Sting is crazy alright. Sting looks like Raul Julia from Adams Family Values since his makeup is over his eyes and he has a mustache. Oh good and it’s after the break. 

ROODE vs BULLY (a wasted money match)
Again… Roode, Storm, Hardy, Bully and Angle are your money guys. You do not have them on free TV facing one another. You have them against lesser guys. Anyway this match has been built up a lot better than Roode vs Storm so why not give it away on free TV? We just had one heel vs heel match, why not have another back to back? The crowd is rowdy in a good way.

After a few minutes, Storm appears to chase out Bully Ray… then not care about Roode until he stands up. Storm gives Roode the Last Call and lays the title on him. I think Roode & Storm have touched way too much for me to give a damn about their match. In fact TNA knows the only way to get heat on this match is promise a title change. I don’t want to see someone in your main event of next PPV laid out. Why do I want to watch Sting beat someone when I just saw him laid out 2 weeks in a row? 

TNA LIVE EVENT COMMERCIAL (and how counterproductive is)
Fan buries why go to an Impact taping when someone will put up a sign in your face and you won’t meet the superstars? Plug the fact you meet the wrestlers, but don’t bury your TV tapings.

CRIMMORGAN BACKSTAGE (with Joseph Parks)
Joe is looking for his brother who’s his brother? Crimmorgan have issues as a team. Whatever.

ROBBIE E & ROB TERRY vs CRIMMORGAN (and various bad tacked on elements)
Feels like a tag division is brewing. Robbie E & Rob Terry appear in matching pink sweaters? What’s the logic behind that? I know their heels, but it just felt tacked on and stupid. Speaking of tacked on Mike Tennay needs to remind us of Crimson & Morgan’s history as competitors beating the hell out of one another and then they are paired as a tag team. I think they only had 2 singles matches in the span of 2 months. They had a few with Joe mixed in there too.

Wow this match has a lot of meat in it. If anything this match makes Terry and Robbie E look good. Frequent tags, Terry does power spots, Robbie E does quick spots. It’s everything that Morgan and Crimson should have been doing 3 months ago and everything Mexican America should have done. Morgan looked good when he got the hot tag too. Good finish, I just don’t like where this team is headed since TNA needs teams and these 2 should be killing the tag division and not arguing. Tennay announces CrimMorgan vs JoNus Brothers atVictory Road, making 5 matches in 3 months. No one should have that many matches. That’s what singles matches and 3 ways are for. 

KURT ANGLE & GUNNER BACKSTAGE (senseless promo)
Kurt just recaps… Kurt’s eyebrows twitch purposely. Tennay and Tazz could have just thrown up a graphic the match is still to come.

AJ / KAZ / DANIELS RECAP
Thank god they recapped this, because it makes no sense and still makes no sense.

AJ STYLEZ PROMO interrupted by KAZANIELS
Yep another and I bet he wants answers. He informs the crowd that the 10th anniversary is coming and I couldn’t be more sad for a guy who’s been with the company since day 1 to be stuck in the mud like this. Saddled with something that could have fantastic matches, but the logic behind them makes no sense. He reminds fans of some terrible angles before KAZ & Daniels show up. 

Daniels says AJ got fame and Daniels got fired. Oooo KAZ calls AJ transparent and predictable and puts trust in the wrong people. Maybe that’s AJ’s fault and not their’s. I’m still waiting for it to make sense or maybe it makes sense and I just don’t care because they’ve teased this for weeks. Why not just say AJ got Daniels and KAZ fired both. Or do that TV title idea that I’ve mentioned for a month.

Oh fuck Kennedy is back. Now I really don’t care. He just steals the thunder of this terrible angle.

GARRETT & HARDY vs ANGLE & GUNNER (killing all heat for Angle vs Hardy)
Uggg. Again Angle vs Hardy is a money match and having them touch in 2 tag matches in the past 3 weeks doesn’t make me want to see a singles match. Hardy is TNA’s ratings man supposedly, so this main even should do well compared to last week’s 6 man tag that didn’t have him. You can still have Hardy in a match, you can have Angle in a match, just not the same match, but then I guess that wouldn’t mean you’d piggyback Garrett on Hardy & Angle.

Hardy comes out shambling like a ghoul. Like I’ve said before he’s not a wrestler just a performance artist. Gunner gets an anti gunner chant even before he’s tagged in. That’s heat. The crowd this week was great with chanting and rowdiness.

 

Garrett gets the hot tag and he’s really sloppy. So sloppy that TNA needs to cut to different angles. He’s pretty wild out there. When he stands his arms flail out. Good finish that made sense, but now I don’t need to watch either match at the PPV.

IN CONCLUSION (zero heat forVictory Road)
Andersonvs Daniels is announced. I’m wonder when the PPV is. TNA really fails at plugging their pay-per-views. You had your world champion main eventer get laid out earlier. You had your X-Division pay-per-view match for free. You had a tag match that killed all heat for your #3 PPV match. But hey it’s only the 3rd match from the top, why am I nitpicking? Oh and on your PPV you’ll have a tag title match that we’ve seen 5x in the past 3 months. TNA is really betting on Sting… but if Sting goes over someone that was laid out 2x in as many weeks does that really mean anything?

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